Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy.

Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with.

When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].”

“Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.”

President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists.

Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves!

It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.

What do you notice? 

Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy? 

Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall. 

This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all. 

It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers. 

Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important. 

Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it. 

You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts. 

Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.

Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times.

Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society.

“I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.”

For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over. 

We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis

While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what.

Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.

It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris.

When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table.

But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing. 

“I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.”

As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker.

Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.

After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain.

PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know. 

This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you?

Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.

What a huge disappointment. We waited all that time and wound up with the same exact Grandma we started with.

Everyone remembers exactly what they were doing on that fateful day three years ago when Grandma tapped on a glass in the middle of dinner to get everyone’s attention and calmly said, “It’s time for me to transform,” before getting up and walking into the living room. When we finally checked on her a few days later, we discovered that her body had become fully enveloped inside of a shimmering green and gold chrysalis that hung above one of our recliners.

That first moment of realizing Grandma had entered her chrysalis form was filled with so much hope and promise. We all remember how everyone in the family was hugging and cheering at the sight of Grandma’s chrysalis swaying slightly as it hung from the ceiling. We were all so excited about the possibility that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking completely different.

For the next three years, everyone in the family was speculating wildly about what Grandma might transform into when she finally emerged from her chrysalis. Dad thought she might come out looking like an angel with enormous feathered wings and gigantic biceps who could lift him up over her head and fly him around town while he shouted curse words and flipped people off.

“People would look up in the sky and scream, ‘Stop saying curse words! Stop flipping us off!’” Dad used to say, his eyes glazed over with a faraway look as he imagined Grandma’s helpful new body. “But they wouldn’t be able to do anything because my mother-in-law would be flying like a thousand miles in the sky and carrying me around, so if they wanted me to stop yelling swears at them from above, they would have to use missiles, and those are hard to get if you’re not the army, so there’d be no way to stop me.”

Mom said that she hoped that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking exactly like Vladimir Lenin so that she could enter Grandma in the county fair’s annual Lenin Lookalike Contest and win the set of golf clubs they offer as the grand prize every year.

Grandpa hoped that she came out looking like “a big swarm of flies” so that he could “see what it was like to be married to a big swarm of flies.” He also sometimes imagined that Grandma would emerge from the chrysalis looking like “a monster who is half donkey, half car, and half monster” so that he could “kiss a weird thing for free all the time.” Everyone in the family agreed this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said about another person in the history of human civilization.

The rest of the family also had all sorts of amazing dreams for what Grandma might be turning into during her three years in the chrysalis. Some of us thought she was going to come out looking like a big ball of wriggling human fingers, others thought that she was going to become a big spider or a small spider or a normal-sized spider as big as a bus. Cousin Dorothy speculated that Grandma would turn into “a mysterious antlered beast that will only emerge from the forest during lunar festivals.”

The possibilities seemed endless, and yet they all came crashing down just this morning when Grandma clawed her way out of her chrysalis looking exactly the same as she had when she first went in three years ago. She just fell out of the chrysalis onto the living room floor, stood up, looked at the whole family who were staring at her in shocked silence, and said, “I’m new,” before immediately going into the kitchen to start shoving fistfuls of potato chips into her mouth. When we asked her what the deal was, Grandma explained that she “became goo” inside the chrysalis, but then she apparently just reconstituted herself right back into the same exact body she started with.

Dad got so emotional that he punched a hole in the drywall.

Needless to say, this is one of the biggest letdowns our family has ever had. This is the kind of chrysalis-related anticlimax you always imagine happening to other people, but never to you. Now that it has, we’re all still trying to process how she could have spent so much time in there without a single visible transformation. Grandpa even cried a little bit when he realized that he was never, ever going to know what it’s like to be married to a big swarm of flies. Here’s hoping our family is able to pick up the pieces after this and we can find a way to heal in the wake of this catastrophe.

Seriously impressive! It’s awesome to see Alamo Drafthouse cut down on distractions so their customers can concentrate on their amazing cuisine.

“Here at the Alamo Drafthouse, we understand that hamburgers and popcorn so much better when you’re not cramming them in your mouth while staring mindlessly at a big, loud movie,” read a message posted this morning on the official Alamo Drafthouse Instagram page, which featured photographs of smiling customers staring intently at plates of hamburgers, popcorn, salads, and cookies, with the large screen previously used to show noisy, distracting movies now featuring the words “It is dinner time” projected in tasteful, understated text. “Everything you loved about the Alamo Drafthouse is staying the same: We’re keeping the room extremely dark, all the seats are facing the wall, and babies are not allowed. All that’s changed is that the annoying films that used to make eating in our restaurant a distracting ordeal are finally getting the boot!”

No matter who you are or what you believe, you’ve got to admit that this is an amazing idea!

In a series of follow-up posts, Alamo Drafthouse emphasized that all of their world-famous rules and regulations will remain in place in order to maintain that one-of-a-kind Alamo Drafthouse experience. Diners will still be prohibited from talking to one another or texting at any point during their meal. Servers will still monitor the dining area for signs of conversation, and will still eject anyone caught violating these policies. You’ll also get to enjoy the amazing Alamo dining experience of sitting in an individual chair with your own little private table, with everyone in the room facing the same direction. The only difference is that you’ll finally be free of those bright, loud movies that made next to impossible to fully appreciate the burgers and salads.

This is so exciting! It’s safe to say that this is going to totally take visits to the Alamo Drafthouse to a whole other level. We can’t wait to visit the Alamo Drafthouse now that they’re getting rid of insanely noisy, distracting movies and letting their diners focus on what matters most: delicious food and world-class beers. Other restaurants, take note: this is how you update your business for the twenty-first century!