📝 I had forgotten how bad it gets
For over a year, with small periods of inactivity here and there, I had some paid work, writing and reviewing other people's writings, mostly the latter. This was the only thing I found I could do at my own pace, with no fixed schedule, whenever my lack of health allowed it. Although I didn't make a ton of money monthly, it allowed me to pay my medication, basic expenses, and the weed or weed derivative I used to keep the pain low enough so I could keep working for more than an hour a day. And, for a while, I had enough pain relief that I could almost feel a glimpse of normalcy, as long as I reduced my physical effort to a minimum.
At some point, this made me think the good times would keep up, and I was no longer feeling like dead weight to everyone around me. Reality is a bitch, though, and doesn't care about anyone. Eventually, the work began to dry up. Every month, the amount of work decreased to the point I am today, with barely any paid work in the last three months.
We have a saying here: “no money, no vices”. I had gotten used to a manageable level of pain (keep in mind that what I consider manageable is still a crazy amount of pain), and I had forgotten how bad it gets. I didn't forget this shit is awful, but I had forgotten exactly how painful it can get.
Let me give you a fresh example: last Monday, at dinner, my fingers were hurting so much I could barely cut my own food.
Now, I'm back to literally burning my back just to get a small relief. I'm not joking or exaggerating. Almost a week later, I still have blisters from putting a hot water bag directly on my back a few times per day. If I don't brute force the pain signals with other stuff, like the burning feeling, I can't get pain relief. This is what I suspect happens with the weed: the increase in serotonin production forces the brain to allocate more resources to it, leaving less for the pain signals.
I'm currently trying to find another work option, but it's not an easy thing to do when you have these constraints.
