alice_practice: (Andralos)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/3478520/chapters/7637798

Title: Asymptote
Rating: Explicit (confined to 1-2)
Derivative: Xenogears
Character Relationships: Dominia/Ramsus, Sigurd/Ramsus implied, Miang/Ramsus implied.
Warnings: Xenogears spoilers, fallout from emotional abuse, consenting adults having sex, descriptions of mytated humanoids, manslaughter, Krelian-negative, Miang-negative, strong language

My phone is being a jerk but here is what I have done so far of "That Ramsus Fic." Gonna say "fuck you" to Gears' budget crisis and give more peeps Omnigears and give Ramsus and the Elements spots in the main battle party because I want to.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 17 March 2015 13:07
alice_practice: (Andralos)
So, I'm writing this Xenogears thing and I'm doing a lot of research, and I'm realizing that my obsession with Kahran Ramsus has transmigrated with me from fandom to fandom for 16 years. Like Utena chasing Dios, I rush after the most Ramsus-like character or theme in a thing I can find. If I can customize a thing, I make it look like him.

Even before all my college damage happened, he was there in high school illustrating how horrendously insecure I've been this entire time. When my parents were together, my father showered me with similar affection Krelian showered Ramsus with when he was being cultivated, and he just wasn't capable of being that person after the divorce. I was the princess, I was the chosen one, I was a wise knowledge-seeker even at such a young age. Being told you're the best thing ever and that you're going to change the world when you grow up and just completely disengaging from that kind of praise all of a sudden completely wrecked me, and even though I'm a grown-ass woman with an amazing job, I still can't get over it.

I hope writing this fic will help me address the bigger underlying issues I've had since I was 10. I can't keep blaming my college damage on everything. Ramsus' baggage matches mine pretty much perfectly, but instead of using what he went through as a lesson of what not to do, I've just ended up doing the same/similar dumbass shit he's done, and it hasn't done me a whole lot of good.

I can forgive my father for becoming emotionally unavailable, but I can't forgive Krelian, and I really super can't forgive Miang. The lesson I need to learn isn't about forgiving others. I already forgive more shit than most people, even post-college. It's self-respect so shit like this stops happening in my life.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 2 December 2014 22:54
alice_practice: (Default)
Had a panic attack and this is me puking in a private corner instead of on tumblr.

I am not some magical creature. I am not what you tell me I am. I am bound by no destiny, I am not a reincarnated princess or hero. I am someone living right here right now that has worth on my own that isn't tied to anything mystical, magical or mysterious. I am not worthless if I am not monetarily successful. I am not unloved. I am not unwanted. I am not less worthy of affection or self-worth because of the imperfect circumstances of my birth or my upbringing. I am not a second class citizen for being female, and I am not a second class citizen for acting out of the normal "range" of "what is considered feminine." I don't deserve to be punished for existing. I am not a blight or a plague or the devil or any other kind of evil. If I do evil in my life, by choice or by accident, it is shaped by my circumstances and is not my singular identity. I am responsible for my own happiness. It is okay for me to exist, love, worship and thrive on my own merit. You do not know my name unless I tell it to you. You do not name me something I don't want to be named.
alice_practice: (Default)
Since I got promoted, I've kind of been chained to something I don't really like. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't gotten moved to a desk at the end of the row. Even though it was close to the sunlight, I wasn't facing my cubemates, and as someone who prefers to be a passive observer IRL, facing away from my coworkers cut me off from them. I didn't think this would make me so sad, but it did. I was absent when the first wave of interns moved in, missed lunch unless someone told me specifically and very often got skipped over when it came down to announcements. I could be left in a private place to seethe when I was angry, which perpetuated my frustration.

But today, things looked up. Today, they changed. Today, I changed desks, and I am now in the middle of the room, surrounded by my favorite coworkers. I already feel the crushing loneliness lifting. I do need to find a better place to put my useless junk, though.

I also need to make myself another Daedric Rune chart.
alice_practice: (Default)
Hurr, creating an FST for your MMO character is fun. He doesn't have a real name yet, but he is beautiful and coldhearted Altmer wizard with a douchebag haircut and a scowly face and my favorite thing to think about at work. -w-

TL;DR Scrolls )

Little Sister - CHVRCHES - The Mother We Share
Waifu - Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness
alice_practice: (Default)
When it becomes a responsibility instead of something fun, that's when you gotta let go.  I'm tired of having to care about things I no longer care about just so that people will have a nice little parlor to roost in.  As That Outcast Fan, I was an outcast, but I still got to do what I wanted.  Stepping up and being a sempai has put me through nothing but more shit and distanced me even further from the cloud of people I thought were cool.  I've done it twice now.  Guess I wasn't listening the first time.
alice_practice: (Sparkle Motion)
Been thinking a lot about Changeling: The Lost lately.
It's a lot different from Changeling: The Dreaming, which was a floaty LOL WE'RE FAIRIES LOOK AT US BE ARRANGING ORANGES IN A CIRCLE IN THE OVEN BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MAGIC romp that happened to share a canon with Mage, Hunter and Vampire.

Along comes New WoD and although they managed to kark up Hunter and Mage, Changeling stands out and has become about 10x as popular as CtD. The premise at first, after having fond memories of CtD, kind of shocked and appalled me a little, but once I got over it, I've come to really enjoy it.

If one were to use Labyrinth as an example, In CtD, you ostensibly play one of the goblins, or if your GM is running a high-powered game, you can play Jareth. In CtL, you are Toby, but Sarah never comes after you because when Jareth took you, he replaced you with a fetch. CtL presupposes that the true-fae that kept your character was in no way benevolent, which was the thing that made me balk at first because I've always loved fairies, but with that abusive true-fae comes the heart of the game. 

A great deal of CtL is learning how to live again in the world you were taken from.  In a community of other Changelings, you run into a lot of people who've been through similar enough pain that certain things are understood (you escaped and don't want to go back), but everyone has had different experiences with their pain and deals with them in different ways.  The Keepers want you back, and your fellow Changelings have a very good reason to actually fight to help you keep them away.

The thing that really caught my eye, especially after extracting myself from the terribleness that was my friendship with my Man of Honor, is that in this community of escapees, "loyalist" is the bad word.  I didn't know I needed to hear that as badly as I did.

The only bad thing about CtL is that it cuts a little too close to my heartguts sometimes, and it cuts deeply into my SO's that he can't even play it anymore because it's a roadmap to his damage.  I'm still able to use it as a Grand Theft Auto power fantasy about exploding the heads of the people I no longer associate with, but there may come a time when I'll probably just put the bear down.

I still want to run a Fairly Oddparents CtD game where you fight the Technocracy.

(no subject)

Thursday, 26 December 2013 10:02
alice_practice: (Default)
I wasn't going to post anything about this at the risk of sounding negative, but I get all Zuko-grumpy during the holidays if something goes wrong around my family. I'm wondering if it's just me looking for something to be angry at or if I'm just consecutively circumstantially upset at something every holiday get together.

Read more... )


alice_practice: (Default)
"Can you do addition?" the White Queen asked. "What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?"
"I don't know," said Alice. "I lost count."
Through the Looking Glass.

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