I work at a small company with a senior director whose communication style feels passive-aggressive. Instead of clearly assigning tasks, he frames requests as questions (e.g., “Would I be able to…”), then later complains to supervisors when the work doesn’t match what he apparently wanted. Employees follow his words as stated, not his implied expectations, and feel criticized or “caught” for doing things wrong. Leadership has not addressed the issue, and many of us feel frustrated and bullied. How can we work with someone like this without becoming constantly frustrated?

Signed,
Frustrated Employees

Dear Frustrated Employees,

Frustration is a reasonable human response when we encounter a gap between what we expected and what we’re actually experiencing. And that’s where I see you right now. You’re facing a gap between what you hoped for (a leader who sets clear expectations and then measures against those) and what you’re getting (a leader who gives vague instructions and then criticizes the outcome).

The frustration we feel when facing a gap most often stems from the story we have told ourselves about what is causing that gap. In your case, you believe that the gap with your leader exists because he is a passive-aggressive bully. I have no idea if that is the case or not. But what I do know is that when we villainize someone, as you have done here, we ready ourselves to defend against a villain rather than talk to a person.

If you truly want to work with “someone like this,” I would suggest starting by striking the phrase “someone like this” and then asking yourself why a reasonable, rational, decent person might manage projects and people like this.

A paucity of plausible answers suggests that you are holding on to your story too tightly. Try to loosen your grip and see your leader as more than just your last interaction. Perhaps he used to give very specific expectations and directions and then was given feedback that he was micromanaging. His current behavior may be a simple overcorrection. Perhaps he himself is unclear on what he wants but doesn’t feel comfortable admitting that. Whatever the reason for his current behavior, I am confident you don’t know what it is if you have never talked with him about it.

Once you move out of the story that he is intentionally setting traps, it becomes easier to focus on the real issue: the gap between unclear expectations and the accountability people feel afterward. That discussion can be surprisingly straightforward. You might say something like this:

“I was hoping we could talk about something. My goal is to do great work and deliver the kind of outcomes you’re looking for. I want to contribute in the way that best supports the team and the organization.

“What I’m noticing is that sometimes when assignments are given, I’m not always clear on what the success metrics are or what the final outcome should look like. And afterward I sometimes realize I interpreted the request differently than you intended.

“It would really help me if we could make those expectations a little clearer up front so I can deliver exactly what you’re hoping for. How do you see it?”

Notice what that approach does. It focuses on your goal of doing great work, not on accusing the other person of poor communication. It describes the gap you’re experiencing without assigning negative intent. And it invites the other person into a joint problem-solving conversation.

Most workplace frustrations persist not because problems are unsolvable, but because the underlying gap is never clearly named. When you can describe the gap and discuss it directly, you give yourself and your director a chance to close it.

Warmly,
Emily

The post Clarifying Expectations with a Passive-Aggressive Boss appeared first on Crucial Learning.

That’s why we’re excited to introduce the Strength Deployment Inventory® (SDI®) Workshop, a refreshed learning experience built around one of the most powerful tools for understanding workplace relationships.

The SDI is a personality assessment that provides insights into how people relate to others. It explores what motivates us, how we experience conflict, the strengths we bring to our work, and how those strengths can limit our effectiveness when overdone. With these insights, the SDI helps individuals and teams develop Relationship Intelligence—the ability to create and maintain mutually productive relationships and apply insights to make interactions more effective.

Helping Learners Build Relationship Intelligence

The new SDI workshop is designed to help learners explore these insights and apply them to their day-to-day interactions at work. Through exercises, reflection, and discussion, learners discover their Motivational Value System (MVS), Conflict Sequence, Strengths, and Overdone Strengths, gaining practical awareness of how motives shape behavior and influence relationships.

Delivered either in person as a half-day workshop or virtually in a 3.5-hour facilitated session, the experience combines meaningful self-discovery with practical insights learners can use immediately in their working relationships.

Designed with Facilitators—and Organizations—in Mind

The SDI can be applied across a wide variety of audiences and use cases, and flexibility is key for our facilitators. With meaningful feedback from our certified communities, we heard the demand for an easy-to-deliver learning experience with opportunities to adjust and adapt based on an organization’s needs.

The SDI workshop does just that, unpacking a learner’s SDI results and exploring how to apply the insights gained from the SDI to workplace relationships, all while giving facilitators the flexibility to offer the learning experience that meets the needs of their organizational initiatives.

As part of launching the new workshop, we’ve also updated the SDI facilitator certification experience and resources. These updates were shaped by feedback from our facilitator community and focus on providing a strong, ready-to-deliver workshop design along with the flexibility to tailor the experience for different audiences and organizational needs.

Bringing Stronger Relationships into Organizations

The SDI has long been a powerful tool for building awareness, appreciation for others, and stronger relationships at work. With the launch of the new SDI workshop, it’s now easier than ever to bring these insights into organizations to help build the trust and connection that drive results.

Want to learn more about the new workshop and how to facilitate it? Visit the SDI certification page to see how you can become a certified SDI facilitator, or if you’re already SDI certified, head to Certification Zone to explore the updated resources.

The post Introducing the New SDI Workshop appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have been with my husband for twenty-five years and I am fed up with his gaslighting! I don’t think he knows he does it, but when I try to talk about it, he gets defensive. Whenever we disagree about something, he walks off muttering to himself. When I ask, “What did you say?” he says, “Oh, nothing.” Or he makes something up. I feel he thinks I’m stupid. How can I address this?

Signed,
Gaslighted

Dear Gaslighted,

I’m sorry.

I’m in my twenty-fourth year of marriage and I know how hurtful even the slightest of slights can be (as does my wife). The roll of the eyes, the muttered dismissal, the silent withdrawal and similar behaviors can feel manipulative and almost intolerable in our close relationships.

I will share a few ideas to help you address this longstanding pattern in your relationship, but let me begin with a couple of disclaimers. I want to ensure my response is appropriate to your challenge and that you’re in a space to receive it.

First, if you’re enduring emotional abuse, skip my advice and seek professional help. Emotional abuse looks like your partner calling you names, demeaning you, controlling you, invading your privacy, or manipulating you with lies and threats.

Second, although I believe your spouse could benefit from learning to communicate better, I don’t believe there is much I can say that would help you make him a better communicator. Therefore, my suggestions will be directed to you. Not to correct you, but hopefully to empower you.

If you’re good with all that, let’s proceed.

Embrace the Call to Grow

The first thing I want to say is what you’re experiencing is common. Given the time you’ve been married, I’ll assume you’re in midlife, which is known to correspond with personal growth and less tolerance for unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, and relationships. So, it’s quite normal to feel fed up with a partner’s behavior after twenty-five years. You recognize it’s time for a healthy shift.

Let Go of Labels

Please know that this suggestion is not meant to excuse your husband’s behavior, nor is it meant to dismiss your hurt.

Terms like “gaslighting” and “narcissism”—which have become increasingly popular in recent years—may have value in clinical settings, but outside of that they seem to have equal chance of being harmful as helpful.

Labels often contain a story that suggests those we have labeled are calculating villains or irreversibly toxic. When we label others in our anger or frustration, we relinquish our responsibility, and that’s unproductive.

Try to see the situation more broadly. Ask yourself what could be contributing to it, and why someone might behave like this.

“Is there something contributing to my husband’s tendencies I’m overlooking (stress, personal history, other influences)?”

“How am I contributing to our patterns of interacting?”

Asking ourselves questions like these is not about denying the truth—a person’s behavior may indeed be harmful or hurtful. They’re about restoring humility and our sense of agency. They help us identify what we can do about a situation aside from blame it on somebody else.

Take Responsibility for Your Needs and Feelings

It’s clear in your question that you feel disrespected. While the disrespect isn’t your fault, you won’t resolve this unless you take responsibility for feeling respected.

One way you can begin to do that is to openly communicate when you feel disrespected, while taking ownership for how you feel.

For example, “When you walk off muttering, I feel you don’t respect me. I’m not saying you don’t; it’s just how it feels. Can you understand that?”

Share your perspective in a way that increases your spouse’s awareness of what’s happening with you, not in a way that suggests he is responsible for how you feel.

“When you do X, I feel Y. I’m not blaming you; I’m being open with you.”

Focus on Relationship

There’s a heuristic we teach in Crucial Conversations called CPR, and it helps us identify the problem to address.

CPR stands for Content, Pattern, Relationship. Content refers to an instance or event—a problem to be discussed. Pattern refers to a recurring problem, in which case the recurrence becomes the subject of conversation. And Relationship refers to the health of the relationship, which suffers any time recurring problems are allowed to fester.

The behavior you describe might have been the problem twenty-five years ago, but now you have a bona fide relationship problem, and that’s what you need to address. That might sound like this:

“I feel like we’ve lost respect for each other. I know we haven’t meant to, but maybe we could discuss what we both need to feel respected and appreciated.”

Or, “I feel our relationship has gotten way off track. If we want it to survive, we need to find a way to improve our understanding of each other and how we interact.”

Make It Safe

We often say “the truth hurts.”

Although sometimes uncomfortable, it’s usually not the truth that hurts; it’s the mode of delivery.

People can hear the truth as long as they feel it’s nonthreatening, and they can usually tell the truth nonthreateningly if they don’t fear retaliation or shame. Your task is to tell your truth in a way that doesn’t hurt, and hear his truth without taking it personally.

To make it safe for him to hear, establish and convey good intent. That means ensuring your motives are positive—whether to improve the relationship and increase respect (not change him)—and then sharing that.

“I want us to have a better relationship so we can connect and enjoy each other’s company again. I’m not mad or upset. But I do have concerns, and I want to share them because I believe sharing our concerns openly will help us improve.”

To make it safe for him to share, make it clear you can handle his perspective. If this is something you struggle with, you may need work on developing the inner confidence that his perspectives do not reflect your worth.

“I’m sorry, can we try again? If I’m saying or doing something that makes you not want to talk, please tell me. I promise to listen and not react. What is it you’re thinking?”

(This does not mean accepting putdowns, name-calling, or the like. While your question didn’t mention that, if that’s occurring, find professional help.)

Seek Mutual Purpose

If your goal is to change your husband, that’s probably not a goal he shares. Try to find something you both want.

Maybe it’s more respect and appreciation. Maybe it’s connection like you had in the early years of marriage. Maybe it’s simply less tension and conflict. Identify a common desire, then make that a shared goal.

“Ok, I hear you—you want to feel more respected and appreciated. Can we make it a goal to work on that together? I also want to feel respected and appreciated. We could start by sharing with each other what we need for that.”

Work on Yourself

In addition to working on the behaviors I’ve outlined, find ways to work on your own emotional growth.

While good communication skills are crucial to healthy and productive relationships, they don’t necessarily resolve our immature tendencies and emotional triggers, which are significant contributors to conflict.

Emotional maturity includes the ability to stay present when we feel dismissed, not retaliate when we feel criticized, take ownership for our needs and perspectives, and work with our strengths and limitations—which is improved by a deeper and more honest understanding of ourselves.

Combining personal psychological insights with learnable behaviors makes the behaviors more durable, and vice versa. Apply effort in both domains.

In most cases, these behaviors and shifts have a reciprocal and ripple effect. Work on yourself, and you’re almost guaranteed to see a change in him and your relationship.

Respectfully,
Ryan

The post Breaking Patterns of Withdrawal and Defensiveness in Marriage appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Our son is married to a narcissistic sociopath. (Our mental health professional diagnosed her based on behavior we described.) They have been married for ten years and have three children, aged seven and under. We saw the relationship bombing in the beginning and asked him to rethink the marriage. She has been in attack mode since. She isolates him from family and friends and monitors and controls all aspects of his life. He barely speaks to us. He clams up when we attempt to talk about our concerns. We feel hopeless. How can we have a conversation about our concerns for him and his children?

Signed,
Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Family discord is especially potent and difficult. I am sorry you and your family are going through these tough times. Wanting to protect someone you love while feeling shut out is painful. I have some thoughts based on our Crucial Conversations courses that I believe will get you on the right road to re-establishing communication and better relationships.

But before I begin, we must speak frankly. As Joseph Grenny has written, “The fastest path to resolving disgust for another person is a searching look in the mirror.” When relationships become this strained, it’s worth asking a hard question: Is there anything in my approach that is contributing to the problem? As you continue reading, I would kindly suggest that the key question is not “How can we have a conversation about our concerns?” Consider this question instead: “How can we work to establish greater love and respect for my son and his family, including my daughter-in-law?”

Look for Facts, Not Stories

Speaking generally, we humans love to jump to conclusions. We rush to judgment based on what we’ve observed, and then have a difficult time realizing our point of view is fairly myopic. The stories in your description of your situation include labeling your daughter-in-law a narcissistic sociopath, claiming she is in attack mode, and stating she controls all aspects of his life. That may be what it feels like to you, but are those facts? Or just how you feel about the situation?

For example, how does your son feel about his wife? Does he feel the same way as you about his marriage? Or does he not speak to or spend more time with you for very different reasons? You place the blame for his silence on her, but there’s also the real possibility he has his own reasons for withdrawing.

As you begin to get back to building love and trust with your son and his family, avoid using labels and accusations. Think of what has actually occurred, consider and seek to discover possible reasons for those actions, and reflect on what you have contributed to the situation.

Create Safety

You mentioned your son “clams up” when you try to mention your concerns. This is because he does not feel safe when speaking with you. This is not unique to your son – when people feel you don’t respect them or their judgment, they will shut down rather than address concerns.

So how do you begin to re-build that lost safety? Before you go into a conversation, ask yourself: What do I really want—for me, for him, for our relationship? If it’s to get revenge, browbeat, or prove yourself correct, you won’t get far. But if it’s to show love for your son and to understand how to build a relationship with him and his family, he’s much more likely to feel safe and respond positively.

You must make your intentions unmistakably clear. You might say something like, “We want you to know we love you. We’ve made mistakes in the past, and we apologize. Moving forward, we won’t tell you what to do. We just care about you and your family and want to stay close and be supportive.” Notice that you’re expressing what you want for him, not what you want from him.

When your son feels respected and confident that you share a common purpose—loving and caring for one another—he will be far more willing to talk with you rather than retreat.

Allow for Agency

As children become adults, our influence changes. We can love, advise, and express concern, but we can’t force them to do what we want.

Your son may not be reacting only to your concerns; he may be perceiving that you’re attempting to control his agency. If he senses that every conversation is an attempt to change his marriage or convince him he is wrong, he’s going to “clam up.” People rarely become defensive about what you’re saying—they become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.

Allowing for agency doesn’t mean you agree with every decision. But it does mean you respect his right to make those decisions. You can’t control his choices, but you can preserve your connection to him. Over time, that connection, built on respect and love, will do far more to preserve your influence than pressure ever will.

As you begin to establish a better relationship with your son and his family by following these steps, give yourself and them time and grace. You likely will need to revisit and remind yourself to look for facts, create safety, and allow for agency many times. But as you replace stories with facts, criticism with respect, and control with love, you make it far more likely that he’ll begin to open up with you. And dialogue is always the first step toward change.

Sincerely,
Jordan

The post Rescuing Adult Children from Bad Relationships appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Our owner and her twin sister seem to think that yelling, threatening, and showing no empathy for employees will get people to reduce errors and work harder. How can I help them know the opposite is actually happening?

Signed,
Coaching Upward

Dear Coaching Upward,

The best first step is to find out if they want to know. If you’re trying to coach a boss, you must first gain permission. Here are some tips I suggest you use to help that conversation go well.

Master Your Story

You’ve used words like “yelling” and “threatening” and “showing no empathy” in describing what the owner and her sister are doing. Those words are pejorative. It sounds like you have a story about the owner that might be generating feelings of judgment and disgust in you. You’re unlikely to have healthy dialogue with her until you challenge that story. For example, can you come to see them as frustrated and disappointed rather than threatening and lacking empathy? Your story creates your emotions. And if you’re carrying emotions of disgust, they’ll cloud your conversation.

Get Your Motives Right

The only motive that will work is a genuine desire to help your owner get better results. If your true motive is to criticize them for what you see as abusive behavior, it will come through in your approach. If you have a track record of empathizing with them and genuinely helping them achieve their goals, you’ll likely have enough trust to make this conversation work.

Start with Safety

Before you can offer feedback, you’ll first have to ensure they feel safe. That only happens when they truly believe you care about their interests and that you respect them—even if you don’t respect some of their behaviors. Create safety as you begin by sharing any genuine feelings you have about them and about your intentions. For example, “I’ve been here long enough to know that this company is your life. You take our work personally and want it to be of the highest quality. I respect that. I see some things that I think are compromising our ability to do that.”

Ask for Permission

One of the best ways to create safety with someone with more power than you is to ask for permission to share. This honors their position and gives them a feeling of control over the conversation. People are willing to take more emotional risk when they are given the opportunity to choose it. Continue by saying, “Some of this has to do with how you handle problems here. I’m willing to describe that dynamic if you’d like. I also care about our ability to do our best work and think having this conversation might help. And I will honor your preference if this is something you don’t think is worth going into.”

From there, if all went well, you’ll have a chance to make your argument. Be sure you’re prepared to make it based on more than just your disdain for their behavior. If you believe their behavior is undermining your boss’s own interests, present robust evidence to support your claim.

With that said, I add a caution: When people in positions of authority act abusively toward others, it’s often as much about how they handle emotions as about some theory they hold about how to improve performance. If that’s the case with your owner, change will require more than compelling logic about improving results. People rarely make deep change until they see both potential gain and feel some threat of loss. If there is no one with the power to coerce attention to this concern, you’ll have to hope that any business, social, or ethical arguments you can make will motivate growth. I’ve coached dozens of executives over the years who needed to find more humane ways to lead, and none succeeded unless a CEO or board chair held them accountable.

I wish you all the best as you influence where you can.

Joseph

The post How to Confront Abusive Leadership Without Getting Burned appeared first on Crucial Learning.

They put me in a cubicle right in the middle of the founders’ offices. Internally, we called them the authors. These weren’t just people who started a company. They created ideas. They built a body of work that changed how leaders all over the world think and lead. And somehow, there I was—sitting in a cubicle nearby, hoping no one realized I still didn’t know what I was doing.

Fast forward almost two decades, and Joseph Grenny asks if I’d be willing to co-author the next revision of Crucial Accountability. I said yes immediately. But then I kinda panicked.

The saving grace for me was that I’ve spent nearly twenty years in classrooms with this content—watching people wrestle with it, question it, apply it, and have light-bulb moments.

Writing With Joseph… and Kerry

Kerry Patterson—our late friend, mentor, and cofounder—passed away in 2022. When Joseph and I started rewriting the book, Kerry’s voice was everywhere.

When I was that intern in the cubicle, Kerry would wander into my office and just… riff. He’d talk through an idea, an article he’d read, something he saw on TV. Half the time I had no idea what he was saying. The other half, I was thinking, “This guy is terrifyingly smart.”

If you’ve ever laughed at one of our videos—“Not everything is all sunshine and gummy bears around here,” or “Do insensitive, awkward, backward people know it?”—that’s Kerry.

I could almost hear his sarcastic edits, his insistence that ideas had to land in both the heart and the mind.

It was sweet. And a little emotional. And honestly, it was a gift.

Two Big Insights I Took Away

1. The Real Challenge Is Balancing Empathy and Accountability

I went to New York City to meet with Patti Simpson, head of people at Union Square Hospitality Group. I asked her what drives their culture. She said something that surprised me: “A lot of our success is built on failure.”

She explained that their culture is shaped not by how they handle great days—but by how they handle mistakes. Their mantra is:

The road to success is paved with mistakes well handled.

Leadership isn’t tested when everything is going well. It’s tested in the messy moments: missed expectations, dropped balls, honest mistakes. The leaders who get this right don’t choose between empathy or accountability. They insist on both.

2. “Brutal Honesty” Isn’t Honesty

Many of us have lived this cycle: someone misses expectations, we play nice for weeks, resentment builds, and then one day we snap. A sarcastic comment here. A sharp edge there. And when the relationship freezes over, we conclude, “Well… honesty doesn’t work.”

So we retreat back into silence. Those feel like the only two options: silent resentment or brutal honesty.

But here’s the problem—there’s nothing in the definition of honesty that requires brutality.

Brutal means harsh, punishing, or violent.

Honest means clear, specific, sincere.

There’s no ceiling on honesty. There is a ceiling on cruelty. Honesty builds safety. Cruelty kills it. As Joseph puts it in the book:

1. When people feel safe, they’re more likely to embrace uncomfortable truth.
2. When they embrace truth, they’re more likely to feel empathy for those they affect.
3. And when they feel empathy, they’re more likely to take responsibility.

People don’t fear truth. They fear shame. When accountability triggers shame, people disconnect—not because they reject responsibility, but because they can’t stand how they feel about themselves in that moment.

Why This Matters for You as Trainers

You already know this content. You teach it. You live it. But rewriting this book reminded me why it matters so much.

This work was always about leadership—not just large-scale change, but the quiet, daily leadership that happens one conversation at a time. In classrooms. In kitchens. In offices. In communities. In families.

And if the road to success really is paved with mistakes well handled, then the skills you teach are more relevant than ever.

I’m deeply grateful to Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, Ron McMillan, and David Maxfield for trusting me as a coauthor. Grateful for Kerry Patterson, whose voice still echoes through this work. And grateful to all of you—who carry these ideas into the world every single day.

Thanks for being part of this journey with me.

The post What I Learned Co-Authoring Crucial Accountability (and Why It Matters to You) appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can I have a productive conversation with a colleague when there’s clear tension between us, but I don’t know the cause? I want to keep the discussion calm and focused on facts so we can improve the work environment.

Signed,
Unsure

Dear Unsure,

We often get questions like yours that have a pretty simple answer. I don’t point that out to make you feel bad about the dilemma you find yourself in. It simply highlights how often we let problems go unresolved, get out of hand, and stress us out because we’re avoiding a conversation.

Stepping up to difficult dialogue is a universal challenge and why the content and promise of Crucial Conversations has resonated for 25 years. Imagine how much more we could accomplish and how much stronger our relationships would be if we had the confidence and ability to speak up? I think you’ll find that at the root of most of your biggest challenges is a Crucial Conversation you’re either not holding or not holding well.

While the idea of having a conversation sounds easy and straightforward, actually holding it is anything but. I believe we shy away from Crucial Conversations because they represent risk and require vulnerability. We can’t control others and their response. And many will argue they can’t even control themselves. They find that when they engage in difficult dialogue, their emotions take over and sabotage everything from their intentions to the results. This lack of control can be so intimidating that we choose to say nothing—allowing our problems to grow and persist.

In reality, we can control ourselves in a Crucial Conversation. The skills we teach help people master the thoughts and feelings that derail dialogue.

So back to your question. The best way to find out why there is tension is to ask the other person about it. Here are a few skills to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.

Change Your Emotions

The primary reason we do poorly in Crucial Conversations is we are irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person. It is these sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle emotions that others react to more than to our words. So, before having the conversation, open your mind to soften your emotions. Try to separate the person from the problem. And consider that just because you aren’t sure of the source of tension, doesn’t mean you aren’t contributing to it. You can improve your emotions by asking yourself what you’re not noticing, and by reflecting on why a reasonable, decent person might be acting this way. If you can be in the right emotional state, you will come across much better in your conversation.

Help Others Feel Safe

Skilled conversationalists realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. Try starting the conversation by assuring your colleague of your positive intentions and your respect for them. When others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen. In your case, your intent is simply to remove any barriers to working together well. Communicate your goal. You want to understand and resolve the tension you feel because you WANT to have a better relationship and improve the way you work together.

Share Facts

After establishing safety, describe what you have noticed. Sticking to the facts is essential because it leaves out our often ugly assumptions and judgments about those facts. Be specific about the behaviors that for you are evidence of tension. For example, “Every time I enter the room, I notice you get quiet,” or “When I ask you questions, your responses are one or two words.”

Tentatively Share Your Conclusions

After serving up facts, tentatively share what those facts are causing you to conclude. You must be tentative here because it’s only your perspective. There’s a chance you could be seeing things inaccurately, so be sure to not overstate your perspective. You might say, “I sense there’s tension in our relationship. And I’m wondering if I have done something to contribute to that.”

Invite Dialogue

After sharing facts and tentatively expressing your concerns, it’s time to invite dialogue. This means you make it clear you welcome the other person to disagree with you. Those who are best at Crucial Conversations don’t just come to make their point; they come to learn. If your goal is just to dump on someone, they’ll resist you. If you are open to hearing their point of view, they’ll be more open to yours. Your invitation might sound something like this: “I’ve felt this tension for the past few weeks and didn’t say anything sooner because I thought it might blow over, but I’m beginning to feel like there’s more there that I need to understand and I’m hoping you’ll share it with me so we can get our relationship back on track.”

Listen

Finally, listen to what they have to say. If there’s indeed something you need to own, hear them out. If you feel it’s valid feedback, apologize and commit to do better. If you don’t feel it’s valid, resist the urge to be defensive. Instead, acknowledge that your past actions didn’t match your intention, but that more importantly your goal is to move forward positively. Ask for a clean slate and consider the value of leaving the past in the past in hopes of future rewards and success. 

As mentioned before, we often avoid Crucial Conversations because we can’t control their outcome. You might use all these skills perfectly and the other person will not respond well. Ultimately, that leads to a different conversation all together. But I can promise that if you use and practice these skills, you can better control your own emotions and greatly increase the likelihood of improving the relationship and the working environment.

Best of luck,
Brittney

The post How to Address Unspoken Tension appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Over the years, he’s become certified in multiple assessments, but one tool that’s remained central to his work is the Strength Deployment Inventory® (SDI®). Even so, he’s the first to remind facilitators that the SDI by itself isn’t enough. “In my work, the SDI is a powerful diagnostic tool—but it is most effective when embedded within a broader leadership and relationship framework.”

This framework has guided his work with corporate leaders and athletic coaches alike, including a memorable partnership with Coach Victor Santa Cruz, a college football coach who learned to transform his team culture through relationship intelligence.

Combining the SDI with Emotional Intelligence

Pat always connects SDI insights to the framework of emotional intelligence, which he defines through four stages: emotional self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. “Most people stop at self-awareness,” he explained. “But unless we develop all four, especially relationship management, we struggle to navigate conflict effectively.”

To help skeptical sports audiences buy in, he uses a metaphor they love: neuroplasticity. The brain’s ability to grow and change is like a muscle. “That language clicks for them,” Pat said. “They already think in terms of reps and practice. So, when they learned they could strengthen their emotional intelligence the same way, they buy in fast.”

From Sideline Stress to Sustainable Success

When Pat first met Coach Santa Cruz in 2010, the program was struggling. In four seasons, the team had managed only 14 wins against 28 losses, and the pressure from alums was mounting. The coach, high in Red (performance) motives and driven by results, carried that weight personally.

One turning point came when the coach began reviewing not just plays, but his own sideline reactions—getting curious about how his behavior impacted players and staff. “The first thing he did was start looking at himself on tape,” said Pat. “He got curious about his own reactions and how they were impacting players and staff.”

The SDI results revealed what was really happening. Much of the coaching staff was motivated by Blue (people) or Hub (flexibility and options), while the head coach’s Red communication style dominated the field. They were literally speaking different motivational languages. Pat used a translator metaphor: “If your staff is speaking Chinese, Italian, Spanish, or Portuguese, would you keep talking to them in English or find an interpreter?”

When conflict hit, the disconnect widened. The coach went through Stage 1 Red, direct, intense, and command-oriented, while most of his staff shifted into more reflective or accommodating patterns. Once they saw the contrast mapped out, everything made more sense. They were living the same moments but experiencing them very differently.

Coaching Change, One Conversation at a Time

Working together, Pat and the coaching staff put their SDI insights into action on the sideline. When a bad play sent the offensive coordinator into Stage 1 Green conflict—quiet, analytical, and withdrawn—he stopped communicating over the headset. Because there are seconds between plays and play calling, the coaching staff helped the offensive coordinator identify five to ten “go-to” plays the offensive coordinator could call automatically to keep drives moving and reduce sideline stress.

When the head coach grew frustrated with a quiet, analytical player, insisting, “he’s not committed.” Pat encouraged him to try a different approach. “Ask him what he saw,” Pat advised. “Ask him what he thinks he needs to do differently.” The shift from directing to eliciting feedback changed everything. The same player became one of the locker room’s most respected leaders and a strong supporter of the coach.

Another lesson struck even deeper. After a defensive mistake, a player received intense feedback that triggered a shutdown response on the very next play. Reviewing the tape, Pat used a physical injury analogy to illustrate how emotional injuries require the same level of care and recovery time. Emotional injuries are often invisible—and therefore easier to mishandle. The analogy stuck and changed how the staff responded to mistakes.

And when the coaching staff asked him to be more methodical, his lowest strength, he practiced in small ways. Choosing new uniforms became an experience in patience. He sought input, weighed options, and even saved money. What started as a stretch assignment became proof that slowing down can create better outcomes.

Results that Proved the Process

The transformation wasn’t overnight, but the impact was undeniable. In their first year working together, the team reached the playoffs for the first time in six years. They returned the next year and won their first playoff game. When they moved up to a tougher division, the season began with seven straight losses, but by week four, the coach had re-centered and ended the season with four consecutive wins. In the six years that followed, the team won its division four times.

How Sports Coaching Applies to Business Leadership

Because business leaders don’t have game film of their one-on-one conversations, Pat creates a “film room” another way by combining the SDI with stakeholder interviews and a comprehensive emotional-intelligence assessment to surface behavioral blind spots. Pat explores this “business film room” concept in greater depth in his forthcoming book, Turning Conflict into a Competitive Advantage, where he outlines how leaders can create structured feedback loops that mirror the clarity athletes gain from film review.

He reminds every client that intention means little without structure. “If you say you’ll do something but don’t write it down, there’s only a 33 percent chance you’ll do it,” he said. “Put it on the calendar, and it jumps to 75 percent.”

Pat calls his approach Relating for Results. “I don’t define your results,” he said. “They could be a better marriage, a stronger team, bottom-line profits, or a championship. But whatever they are, you only get there by relating well with others. You never do it alone.”

From Arenas to Offices

Today, Iron Coaching continues to bridge the worlds of athletics and leadership development. Whether Pat is on the sidelines or in a C-suite, his message stays the same: performance follows self-awareness and awareness of others.

“The question isn’t whether conflict happens,” he said. “It’s what you do next. In sports, you can see the impact immediately on the scoreboard. In business, it just takes a little longer to show up in the numbers.”

Either way, the lesson endures—when leaders relate on purpose, results tend to follow. These stories represent only a portion of the leadership lessons Pat shares through his coaching work and explores more fully in his upcoming book.

The post What Business Leaders Can Learn from Sports: How Pat Intraversato Integrates the SDI into Emotionally Intelligent Leadership appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I struggle to use GTD® consistently. When I do, it’s helpful, but then I’ll lose lists or I forget to capture and clarify. I feel like maybe it’s just not a fit for me. Any tips for making this stuff stick?

Signed,
Floundering

Dear Floundering,

Let me try something a little different. I want you to imagine I’m sitting next to you, not writing an article, just having a conversation.

And I’ll start with what might sound like an odd inquiry: Tell me about your personality. And what I mean is: tell me what really makes you tick. I know, it might feel a little off topic. Just play along with me for a minute.

Here is a list of seven different statements. I don’t want you to pick the one you aspire to; I want you to pick the one that best describes you—what makes you feel like what you’re doing, at work or at home, actually matters.

1. “I’m motivated by helping and looking out for other people. I want the people around me to be okay know they are valued.”
2. “I’m motivated by getting things done. I like action, momentum, and moving things forward.”
3. “I’m motivated by thinking things through. I like to stay objective and thing the right way.”
4. “I’m motivated by being flexible and working things out together. I like talking things through before we decide.”
5. “I’m motivated by helping people become more capable. I like finding out what people need and helping them learn how to do it on their own.”
6. “I’m motivated by helping people grow. I like standing up for others and accomplishing something as a team.”
7. “I’m motivated by setting ambitious goals that can actually be achieved. I want to focus on the strategy while also challenging others.”

Take a second and identify which one feels most like you. I ask this because once you understand what makes you tick—your personality—you start to see why some productivity approaches feel natural, and why others feel like a constant fight.

This matters because productivity habits become much easier to adopt when you use them—and adapt them—based on your personality. I’ve seen this play out in my own life. I’m someone who loves to move quickly, take action, and make progress. That’s a big part of how I’m wired. Sometimes that shows up in helpful ways. For example, I really take to the next action idea in Getting Things Done. I don’t like sitting on things—I like knowing the very next move so I can get going.

Sometimes my personality works against me. For example, if you’re like me, you might start “helping” around the house by jumping straight into action—without ever checking what your spouse wanted done. In your head, you’re being efficient. In reality, you just stepped in it.

On paper, a lot of productivity practices seem better suited for someone who loves structure for its own sake—detailed lists, weekly reviews, organizing tasks. (For some of you, that list just perked your interest). That kind of structure can feel slow or restrictive if you’re like me. And yet, I love productivity methodologies like GTD. Not because I enjoy organizing for hours or playing with spreadsheets on my weekends—but because of what the habits give me.

When I’m clear and organized, I move faster. I finish more of the right things. I follow through better. In other words, I’ve found a way to make the GTD practices work with my personality, because I know what drives me. Understanding what drives you can help you do the same.

It can also help you identify barriers, or traps. Here are some common personality-to-productivity traps I see:

1. If you’re motivated by helping others, your trap is saying yes too often, hindering your ability to help anyone.
2. If you’re motivated by action and results, your trap is staying busy all day without stepping back to ask, “Is this the right thing to work on?”
3. If you’re motivated by thinking things through, your trap is analysis paralysis.
4. If you’re motivated by flexibility and collaboration, your trap is changing directions too easily.
5. If you’re motivated by helping others become self-sufficient, your trap is getting frustrated when your plan to help does not work out.
6. If you’re motivated by achieving results with other people, your trap is advocating too much that you lose sight of what others need.
7. If you’re motivated by strategy and smart assertiveness, your trap is being so focused on the winning strategy that you don’t ask for different perspectives.

When you become more aware what makes you tick, you can adapt productivity practices so they work with your personality instead of against it.

So as you look at the GTD skills—capture, clarify, organize, reflect, and engage—pause for a minute and be thoughtful about how you approach them. Ask yourself: knowing what I know about my personality, how can I best use these skills? And how can I use the tools I have to suit my personality, so the practices become an asset instead of a barrier?

Justin

Pairing the SDI with Getting Things Done helps people personalize how they build and maintain their GTD system. GTD provides a clear, reliable workflow for managing commitments, while the SDI helps people better understand themselves so they can adapt GTD to work with their motives and strengths.

The post Are Your Productivity Practices at Odds with Your Personality? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have recently got a new interim chair leader and I’m struggling with his leadership style. The interim chair who hired me was a strong leader who listened and led with consideration for his team. My new interim chair is a top-down, hardline authoritarian and I’m having a difficult time in this new season. I have decided to start searching for new opportunities, but I want to be sure I have productive conversations with my new interim chair until I find something, and I want to ensure I “interview” my new potential leaders well so I don’t move from one toxic situation to another. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On,

Let me start with a confession: I have been on both sides of this question. I have worked with leaders who I consider to be top-down, hardline authoritarians. There have also been times when the people I work with would have described me that way. I have learned from both experiences and am better for it.

As I consider your situation, first and foremost, you are right to leave a situation that is toxic, and only you can be the judge of that. We spend an inordinate amount of our lives at work, and we should all expect to be able to spend that time in a supportive, challenging, and respectful environment. Please don’t interpret anything I am about to share about working with “authoritarians” as pressure to stay in an unhealthy situation.

At the same time, there may be some hope for this relationship (I am ever the optimist when it comes to the human capacity to change) if you can learn to see differently. One of the central, and I think most helpful, concepts that comes from the Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI) is that the fastest way to change how people behave is to change how they see themselves and others. The SDI provides four views of a person: motives when things are going well, motives in conflict, strengths, and overdone strengths. The last two views are key for how you are seeing your interim chair.

Each of us relies on different interpersonal strengths—behaviors that help us build relationships and get the results we want. The SDI measures 28 of them. My top three strengths are quick-to-act, persuasive, and self-confident. (The people reading this who know me are all nodding their heads right now.)

The SDI also assesses our overdone strengths. These are the same 28 strengths taken to an extreme—used too often or too intensely. For example, quick-to-act (a strength) appears as rash when overdone. Self-confidence can show up as arrogance when overdone, and persuasive, when taken too far, becomes abrasive.

Here is why this matters. Whether a strength is overdone or not is entirely in the eye of the beholder. I can come into a meeting and think I am bringing my strengths to bear, showing up as decisive, confident, and forward-thinking. You could experience all that and conclude that I am overbearing, arrogant, and pushy. It doesn’t matter what my intent was; what matters is the impact on you.

As you think about your interim chair, ask yourself: why is she leading like this? It may be that her strengths are much like mine and her intent is to move quickly, drive change, and take action, all of which can be very positive things. She may be unaware of how you are experiencing her behavior. Or, it could be that this is what has worked for her in the past; after all, these may be the very behaviors that got her to the position she is in right now. Few people show up at work each day with an intent to crush the will and spirit of those they work with. That may be your experience, but I doubt that is listed as one of her annual goals.

If you can take a generous view of her motives, you will start to see her behavior in a new light. It doesn’t make it okay; it just makes it understandable. When we start to bring understanding rather than judgment to our relationships, they often improve.

A crucial part of this understanding relates to ourselves, not only others. Our personalities color the way we see others and experience their behavior. So, when I see others behaving in ways I wouldn’t, I tend to judge them more harshly.

Finally, as you search for a new role, recognize that you are really searching for a new leader. Ask questions of them and those they work with that will reveal both the leader’s strengths and overdone strengths. At the same time, recognize that your next leader will likely not be your last leader. Switching jobs may solve your immediate problem, but leaders have a way of coming and going. Learning how to strengthen the relationships we have is as valuable a skill as knowing when to leave a relationship.

All the best,
Emily

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