I think a lot about how much is too much to share on an online forum.  There are pictures of my kids on here.  Is that too much?  I’ve asked them what they want and they get to read and approve every post about them before it goes up.  Is that enough?  The whole on line world is so much different than when I was their age, which means I can’t point to what worked or didn’t work for me.  So much of what I do in my work life is around pattern matching.  Seeing the problems in front of me, or at least the questions, and searching for prior examples of something similar I’ve experienced or solved.  I can’t really do that when it comes to blogging.  So, I’m making it up as I go, and iterating.

I also wonder a lot about what this blog is for.  I’ve literally had CEOs who are interviewing me for a job say that they have read my blog.  In one case, it was a beautiful opportunity for us to connect on a deeper level about a topic that both of us were wrestling with and that he had enjoyed reading my perspective here on the blog.  In another case, it was much more of the CEO doing his research and wondering how much of what I’m writing about the past is still true today.  Honestly, that one felt less good.  I get it, and I wonder where the curiosity was rather than what felt like fear.

As a result – I’m feeling hesitant to post anything.  But I want to write.  And I want to share.  Sometimes I’m sharing stuff that happened years ago, but I think is still a potentially helpful idea to share with ya’ll.  Other times it is top of mind in the here and now.  I don’t try hard to make that distinction because in most of the blog-o-sphere, it just doesn’t matter.  But, I do find in some intersections of my real life it does.  So my ask is this – enjoy this space, hopefully you find something valuable here.  If we meet in real life – I hope you can be curious about what you read here and use it to spark a conversation full of wonder.  

I think this fear of what people with think and how it will affect me and the loved ones I write about is a big part of why I’ve slowed the posts down.  That makes the writer in me itching for a new outlet.  I started this blog because I love to write, and I’ve had so many people I’ve worked with through the years ask me to write down a lot of the ideas and lessons that I share at work so that more people can read them.  

When I first went to work for a large tech company, my boss looked at me and said, “You lead like no one I’ve ever seen.  That isn’t how we do things at [this company].  You will have to find your own way in order to lead authentically and be successful here.”  He wasn’t saying my leadership was wrong — just the polar opposite of how leaders at that company typically worked.  So, I spent the next several years staying authentically true to myself and really focusing on how to use that difference as an advantage.  I learned a tonne about being a leader with high EQ, how to build a team and a culture that focuses on co-elevation, and creating an environment where everyone can do their best work.   I’ve found that some of my best lessons are actually learned at home from my kids.  This blog is my attempt to share stories about what I have learned or am learning.  I hope you enjoy this corner.  

After two years of a pandemic that still rages on, women losing our rights, the economy declining, continued mass shootings, a war in Ukraine, there is just a lot.  A lot a lot.  I’ve been feeling tingles of burn out lately.  I always know when it is here because I go in to what I call “Turtle mode” where I tuck in to my shell and try to recover.  

There are so many articles on this.  Ones with titles like “Ten things to do to avoid burn out” or “Twenty tips to kiss burn out good bye”.  Sounds like useful info, right?  Well…. They all boil down to the same advice – sleep well, eat well, move well, connect with friends, be outside.  Things that are absolutely great for taking care of your body. 

For me – when I get those things right – I can sustain the marathon of life for a little bit longer, but I’m still depleted.  I also need something to fill my cup back up. 

For the last few months I’ve been in search of what are my cup fillers?  The doses of revival that not only help me through the day, but start filling me up and making that burn out go away.  I’ve experimented with wellness treatments, supplements, activities, trips, spiritual practices.  I can write a book on all I’ve tried and what I’ve learned.  

The most important thing I’ve found is that I need both the sustaining care (move, eat, sleep well) and the doses of replenishment that fill me up again.  Some of what I’ve found are great practices, but not ones that fit in to the regular routine of having a full time family and full time job.  So, I’ve found the best thing for me during the week are my “cups of caffeine”.  Those quick activities that fit into my daily schedule of work, family, and life and give me a big dose of revival.

As an engineer and a leader – my mind is well fed.  There is always a problem to solve, a board deck to read, a question to ask or answer.  My body gets taken care of by focusing on sleep, exercise, and diet.  But my creative side – what I call the heart – gets left behind.  What I have found is that when I don’t have my heart, mind, and body all being fed – I burn out.  So, that caffeine I need to revive myself from burning out is quick doses of creativity.  

I now schedule creative “coffee dates” each day.  I may take the time to write something (like this blog post), edit some photos I’ve taken, make a new screen saver for my laptop, or draw a quick sketch on my iPad.  30 minutes later, and I’m feeling abuzz with energy and excitement to get back to my day.  Sometimes all I need is a few minutes to watch a YouTube video of someone making something incredible out of clay (I’ve recently started taking pottery classes).  All things that feed my heart and get me back into alignment and out of the burn out zone.

They are all questions pointing at the skepticism that surrounds Autonomous vehicles.  And honestly – for good reason.  As an industry, the promise of fully driverless mobility solutions has come and gone several times over the past decade.  It always seems to be 2 years away.  

Even the title of this panel highlighted the skepticism and then turned to the second part of the question which I think we miss a lot, “what is needed to help?”. 

In my time at Cavnue, I got to talk to a lot of different road owners and operators, and they are all in a similar skeptical boat.  “You tell us we need to have our roads ready for autonomous vehicles, yet where are they?  When are they actually going to be an issue on our roads we need to think about?”  was a theme I heard repeatedly.  

As engineers we are trained to be skeptical.  Every problem we try to solve, we ask, “have we defined the problem correctly?  “Is this the right solution?”  “How could we solve it faster?  Cheaper?”  “Can we simplify this?”  “Is this even going to work?”  “How will we know when it is working?”  We are professional skeptics.  

What I was struck by at this conference was the skepticism does two things that are problematic – 

First, it dismisses or overlooks all of the huge progress and safety benefits that have been borne out of the industry even before we realize self driving cars for everyone everywhere.  We see autonomous technology aiding in contactless delivery services — which was of utmost importance during the pandemic.  We have seen sensors that aid in seeing objects around vehicles become more and more capable while the costs of the sensors have gone down – making them possible not just for driverless cars, but for human driven vehicles.  There to help whomever is driving – human or robot – to see.  

I also want to point out here, that while you can’t yet buy a vehicle that you never have to drive and will get you where you want to go, you can hail a fully driverless vehicle in certain cities in the US already, and that footprint is expanding.  We are already seeing the autonomous trucking industry starting to run routes with no one in the truck.  It is limited.  The companies shepherding this technology into the world are doing it with care — because they are asking all the skeptical questions too!  But the tech is obviously real, deployed in the real world and scaling today.

The second thing the skepticism does is it makes you lose the importance of this technology.  There is a real mission here.  A problem (or many problems) that need solving.  The one that is important to me is giving everyone mobility. 

My grandma is 92 and no longer drives.  She’s in rural Montana and can’t just call an Uber or Lyft when she wants to go somewhere.  So, what happens is four women in the community regularly call each other and coordinate grandma’s calendar of appointments to make sure someone can drive her where she needs to be.  And granny has a lot of appointments!  She can’t wash her hair, so she gets that done once a week.  She can’t bend to reach her toes, so pedicures need to happen.  There are a myriad of doctors appointments for eyes, ears, heart, brain, body.  And granny likes to go to church, pick her groceries, and visit her family and friends.  There are dozens of trips each week.  All to ensure that my Grandma is taken care of mentally and physically.  Mobility is the key that enables her to get food, care, and connect with loved ones.  A fundamental human need.

Driverless technology does solve these issues.  So while the tech is harder than anything else I’ve worked on, it is so important for this world, that I think the right approach is to ask the tech companies what they need to go faster rather than only meet what they are doing with skepticism alone.

The cool thing at the CTF forum was that that was exactly the conversation.  The skepticism married with wanting to discuss what California can do with our infrastructure and our policies to help this important technology deploy as fast as is safe.

At the forum I told the story of the first man who ever rode in a fully driverless car on public roads.  His name is Steve.  Steve is 95% blind.  One day in Austin Texas in 2015, a fully autonomous vehicle picked Steve up at a doctor’s office and took him to the park.  Do you know what he said his favorite part was?  He said, “I loved being alone in the car.  I’m never able to just be alone.”

Driverless technology gives people mobility.  It lets them get where they want, when they want, and HOW they want.    Let’s keep the skepticism to help us make sure we deploy this in a thoughtful way, and let’s also look for ways we can help this important technology go faster.

Nilofer lit up.  “Yes!  We have to define the world we want.  Build it.  And then make it so awesome everyone wants to join.”

Believe me, it is scary to post that.  I know that diversity is a complex issue. One that a lot of people, including myself care so deeply about.  

I’ve had men tell me that after I had my baby I’d never be as capable an engineer.  Another told me I couldn’t have my job back because I’d be postpartum and couldn’t be trusted with the responsibilities!  I’ve faced the micro aggressions that happen and the biases that are usually unconscious but there.  And I’m one of the lucky ones.  I’ve gotten to work on some of the coolest projects for some of the countries’ best companies.  

I make no claims of being an expert in DEI.  I have managed hundreds of people in my career and I think a lot about how to motivate changes in behaviors of teams and individuals.  I can only speak for myself, and I’ve found when we tackle the hard stuff without fear or shame or blame, people are much more open to the conversation and to seeing a bigger picture.

Last week was another heartbreak in the Waydo house.  

I came home from work to H running to give me a hug.  Those don’t happen every day anymore, so I felt special. 

H excitedly told me that he had been invited to a party.  The birthday of one of the kids in his class.  We’ll call this kid Sam (not Sam’s real name).  H was over the moon.  It is only the second party that H has been invited to in years because of COVID.  H is our social child.  That kid can talk your ear off about anything and everything.  I know more about karate, Minecraft, Among Us, Percy Jackson, Greek Mythology, Harry Potter and Gorillas all because of the education that H throws down every night while we hang out.  

Anyway, H was over the moon to be invited to a party.  Imagine my surprise when H was sobbing in bed later that night.  

Me:  What is wrong?

H:  Sam told me when he invited me that he only invited me because his mom said he had to and that he hopes I don’t go.

Now – Sam and H have crossed swords (figuratively, don’t call CPS on me!) many times this year, so it is not at all surprising that this went down.  Heartbreaking none the less.  H and I talked a lot about how that felt, and what he wanted to do.  Did he want to go anyway and have a great time despite Sam’s poor invite skills?  Did he want to have a chat with Sam and let him know his words were hurtful?  

For a little spice … M our oldest offered to go have a “prayer meeting” with Sam.  In our house “prayer meetings” end with you finding Jesus.

The next morning, H came up for breakfast and announced that he didn’t want to go and that he’d like to have a new friend from another school over.  When I asked what made H choose that he said, “I just want to be joyful.  Having [new friend] over will be so much fun, mom.  We’ll talk Greek Mythology and it will be great.” 

No fight.  No victim.  Just cleanly knowing what would be the most fun and doing that. 

Recently, Sam asked H why he wasn’t going to his party.  H simply told him he had other plans.  Sam got quite curious about what H was up to and opened up that he also likes Greek Mythology.  Perhaps H and Sam will be friends someday.  They at least found some common ground.

Many years ago now, I was working at a tiny startup running engineering.  I had been chief engineer at both of my previous roles and was enjoying my career trajectory.  But, I was not enjoying this job.  It was a lot of travel,  the team didn’t feel fully committed, and the path to launching the product we wanted to build was maybe a decade away due to regulations we were up against.  A long haul with a lot of things that weren’t what I was looking for.

My friend Chris had just gone to work at GoogleX and I had lunch with him. 

Me:  How is it?

Chris:  You know the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

Me:  Ummmm only a favorite of mine!  My favorite scene is when they go into the huge room where everything is made of chocolate and the river is what mixes the chocolate.  It looks like paradise!  

Chris:  GoogleX is like that…. Only the nerd version!

Damn.  That sounds incredible. 

That night I searched the job postings for GoogleX.  There wasn’t a lot that made sense for me and my background.   I found one posting for a test engineering lead.  I had led my share of multi-million dollar test campaigns at NASA.  Maybe that would fit?

I emailed Chris and said, “I know Google is a software company.  I found this role, and I was wondering if you know anything about it?  Would I be a good fit?”

A few days later I was interviewing for the self driving car team.  

The job they offered was a mid level test engineering position.  On paper a huge step back for me and my career.  But the people I had met, the mission of the project, the company, and the culture all just seemed like fun.  I didn’t even hesitate.  Hell yes.

For years at Google Self Driving Car, I didn’t worry about my career.  I only worried about doing what I enjoyed.  A year or so in, I had moved in to a role where I was the lead systems engineer for the new Firefly vehicle we were building.  I loved the job, but hated the travel.  I had a baby at home and was weekly traveling to Detroit.  Someday I’ll write about the joys of working in a car factory and having to tell men that I needed a place to pump and store my milk…..  

Anyway.  I was no longer having fun.  I went to my boss and told him I couldn’t do the travel anymore and was thinking about leaving the team.  He offered a solution I hadn’t even thought of.  He asked me to take on his role since he was being promoted.  He smiled kindly and said, “I think you’ll be great at managing the team.”  Wow.  Hell Yes.  

For me, the lesson is that when I focus on what I will enjoy, the other things like title, money, and responsibility all follow because if I enjoy what I do, the work I do is great.

How do you pursue enjoyment?

XO 

– J

When I google Authentic, the inter webs tell me it is an adjective that means “genuine”.  “Real”. 

What is genuine?  I think of qualities like speaking the truth even when it may not be what you think people want to hear, because it is what is true for you.  I also think it means showing up who you are and being comfortable sharing that.  And, being curious to accept others for how they show up and what they say – especially when it is something different than how and what you would do or say. 

In elementary school, my oldest son M had some run ins with the principal too.  I would always say M’s “give a damn” was broken.  I meant that M would never worry about pleasing anyone. 

For example: in kindergarten, M’s teacher wanted the students to sit “criss cross applesauce” on the floor as they would review their letters.  She would call out a letter and ask what words start with that letter.  

Teacher: What starts with A?

Students:  Apple!  Animal!  

And for the star student, perhaps they would say: “Aardvark!”

This was not something that M enjoyed.  I would get email after email from the teacher that M wasn’t doing as he was told.  “Yes.” I thought.  “Because he feels no need to please you.  He doesn’t care what others think.  He’s doing what is authentic to him.”  

I knew this would serve him well later in life, so I didn’t want to work to get him to behave a lot differently.  Instead, we talked about how to not only be real for yourself, but also how to be a productive member of the class.  We talked about ways he could enjoy the Alphabet quiz at the beginning of the day.  Ideas like:  Sit still and daydream….  Try to come up with the most creative word….  Try to make a sentence with as many words that start with that letter….  “Aunt Alice’s Alligator Accepts Ants At Afternoon tea.”  

A few days later I got a call from the principal.  He was furious. So was the teacher who was also on the phone.  Apparently that morning during the alphabet quiz, the teacher had started with T.  

Teacher:  What begins with T?

M:  Toilet!

Students:  Laughter

Teacher ignores M and moves to the next letter.

Teacher:  What begins with P?  (Really?  She just did that?)

M:  Poop!

Students:  Chaos and laughter.

Teacher:  (not willing to be defeated). What else begins with P?

M:  Pee!

The principal and teacher were less than amused.  I was proud.  Proud that M had found an authentic way to participate in the kindergarten morning ritual.  The principal was flabbergasted that I found this funny.  “Well, it is creative and following directions.  And I’m impressed he was following a theme across many letters.  That shows some real intelligence.”  

The next day the teacher had new rules for how to pick words for the Alphabet quiz.

M’s always had an easy time not only making friends, but somehow being the leader of his friend groups.  Kids like him and want to follow him.  I asked him recently how he goes about making friends.  He said he doesn’t try.  He just is himself and people either want to be friends with him or they don’t.  And the ones that do, are awesome friends that truly like him.  

I think it is more than that.  I think he’s not trying to please anyone.  He’s not trying to be someone he’s not, or worry about what other people think.  He’s not being some version of himself that he thinks is what will be popular. That authenticity is what attracts his friends and makes them want to follow his lead. M is real, and confident in being himself no. matter. what. 

I think the same is true at work.  When we stay in who we are, and show up authentically, it resonates with people.  It is real.  People can smell fake from a mile away.  And they hate inconsistent which I think is an effect of not being 100% authentic.  

So what about that CEO?  One time we went to a coffee shop together to grab a coffee before a big meeting.  The CEO ran into a woman they knew and introduced me to her.  “This is my daughter’s best friend from high school.”  We exchanged pleasantries with her and then went on with paying for our coffees and leaving.  As we walked out the CEO said, “My daughter can’t stand her.”  

Huh?  Then what made the CEO, introduce her as “best friend” rather than, “went to high school with my daughter” or “played sports with my daughter”?   The CEO was clearly trying to make that woman feel good.  Yet, I doubt she cared.  And I knew from that point forward that this CEO wasn’t authentic.  That they would say what they thought needed to be said to make people feel good in the moment.  

That CEO had a lot of struggles attracting and retaining great people to their team and I think at least in part it is because being an authentic leader is really important.  It is a great attribute to have.  And a culture that embraces everyone for who they are, and welcomes saying the truth even when it is scary or unpopular is a relief.  A place where people want to work, and leaders with this behaviors are ones that people want to follow.

Showing up real.  Saying what we think even when we think it might be unpopular.  Worrying about pleasing ourselves and not others.  These are keys to great leaders and great friends.  Thanks to M for the reminder that a “broken give a damn” is a quality that can serve us.

XO

J

Anyhow, for years six and seven, H was in COVID isolation and as a result – he’s struggled for how to make friends, behave in the classroom, and navigate the politics of third grade recess. The principal and I are on a first name basis. She’s new this year, and my youngest has definitely made sure she’s earning her paycheck!

Many nights this year, H has been really sad, recounting the drama that goes on at recess.

For example: they have a game they play called Groundies. This is effectively tag, but played entirely on the giant play structure and there are some rules I don’t quite understand, but I think if you are on the ground, you must close your eyes. Well, the boys playing said game of Groundies don’t like the way H plays. So, new rules started getting made. The first of which was this: Whomever gets to the play structure first, decides who plays. All others are banned for the day. This means H is sprinting out of the classroom and to the play structure and skipping lunch to ensure he’s first. About 1 in 4 times he makes it. All others, he’s banned.

We worked through this one, just to have a new rule created: You must have the password to be able to play. Oddly, H never was given the password.

Like I said, hard year.

Last week I drove H to Karate. As we were coming home he was talking about the weekly 3rd grade kickball game. He was team captain this week and was quite proud of how he picked the team not based on who he liked, but rather, in his words how strategic he was. “Mom. No one else is strategic!” He said with distain. “They just pick their friends. That is always why I’m the last one picked.” This mama’s heart broke a little more open for this latest injury.

Me: How does that make you feel?

H: Underestimated.

He said it deadpan. Not a joke. No sadness. No anger. Just the facts. Damn. What perspective. He knows he’s great at kickball. He values strategic thinking, and sees they don’t have it. Thus their choices don’t bother him. He doesn’t respect them.

For the past few weeks I’ve been contemplating a new idea. A project that continues to call to me. Something big and wild and incredible. I feel warm when I think about it and imagine what could be. I was further validated last weekend by a few executives that I trust. I think there is a nugget of a great idea there.

Then I think about all of the details. How many people? How much money? Where would such a project work? All the questions. I picture myself leading the charge through some of those answers. I go cold.

I’ve been thinking…. what is wrong with me? I’m warm and then cold. Is this me gaslighting myself?

I talked to my executive coach. He asked, “what is another perspective on how the warm and cold are actually good?” Hmmmm. I had to think hard.

The warm tells me the parts of the project that resonate. My whole body is saying “Yes. That. “

The cold is good too. It tells me the parts that I don’t like. The parts that need another iteration. It is my whole being saying “No. Don’t do it that way.”

And with a perspective shift – I’m realizing that the hot and cold is another way I’ve tapped in to my knowing. How cool is that!

XO – J

Principles help us make decisions by asking, “If we were living by our principles, what is the answer?” It helps with culture by establishing norms and how we work together. And it aligns the organization to work more efficiently by having principles that they can use to empower their own decisions. I’d ask – what is a better use of time?

In several of my last teams, one of our principles centered around enjoying everything we do. The point of this principle is that when you are enjoying your work, you are more creative, the connections you have with your teammates is higher, and likely the work your are doing feels meaningful and aiding in overall success. It isn’t about telling more jokes, or having another happy hour. (Though those things are important and have their place). It is about every single person on the team really thinking about if they are enjoying this meeting or that project. And if they aren’t — likely others aren’t either — so call it out, and then work with your teammates to fix it!

At some point this principle got nicknamed #10%. It came from a question I kept asking the team every time they would say they didn’t feel enjoyment in some part of work. I would ask, “what would it take to enjoy this 10% more right now?” This would often help them realize, they don’t have to do big things, just take the next step, make it 10% more enjoyable right now. If you do that over a few times, you’ve got a pretty great way of working!

Fast forward to life outside of work — my oldest is in 6th grade and he’s gone out for track. He’s a natural athlete – good at every sport he tries. Well, except for basketball. As a sixth grader, he’s mostly competing against junior high boys in all of his events. And he’s doing great! He’s won the 800m, run a 6:20 in the 1600, jumped almost 12 feet in the long jump. He’s awesome.

I show up at these track meets trying to coach him on what to eat – “Ummm potato chips aren’t a great in between race food. How about an orange?” Trying to coach him on what are the right set of events to capitalize on his strengths, and give him good recovery time between races. And cheering him on with an intensity that wants him to win. For him of course!

And the child keeps eating potato chips. And beef jerky. And ham. And york peppermint patties. And when he knows I’m looking, he eats that orange too!

He signs up for about every event he can. The last meet was the 4x100m relay, the 100m, 400m, 800m, 1600m, discus, and long jump. Holy wow! He’s working towards a decathlon and doing it in a 2 hour track meet as a 12 year old!

I was feeling myself getting ready to try to manage the situation again at the last track meet and I caught myself and just watched him for an hour.

He ran his races. Not always winning, but always smiling. And when he finished his race, he stood at the finish line yelling with whatever air he had left to cheer on his mates. Once his race was over, he wasn’t focused on finding a spot to stretch or recover… he was running across the track to find his mates to either hang out together in the sunshine or to cheer them on in one of their field events. Always happy. Doing everything with #10% or more.

And he’s having plenty of success, and teaching his mom that 1st place isn’t the only way you win in life.

About two years ago I joined a leadership group that really focuses on the whole executive being in balance. When one part of our life is out of balance, how can we be our best at work? Turns out for me at least, I can’t. So, I joined this group and the deep work started. That is where I started learning how to deal with anger and see it as a gift that is telling me change is needed. It is also where I learned that one of the key principles that make me and teams I run successful is Connection First. I talk about some of that here. And it is where I’ve done a lot of work thinking about wants.

One of the exercises we’ve done is to say what we want, and then ask the question, “What is the need behind that want?”. When I did the exercise, I started with needs that to me sounded selfish or embarrassing, but when I bottomed out on the need behind the want, it came down to things like, “Connection”, “Freedom/Joy”, “Safety/Security”, “Meaning/Purpose”. Things I think are fundamental to a joyful life and additionally some of the attributes that I think makes a great team. Do the exercise for yourself. List 3 things that you want right now. Then for each one, keep asking “what is the need behind that want?”. Go down the rabbit hole and see what you find. There be gold there.

One of the things I want that I have been ashamed about is that I want to prioritize myself more. I have guilt around putting myself ahead of others. Somehow that feels selfish.

Just last night, my husband wanted to go on a date. A simple date of dinner and a walk. But I have been feeling un-grounded lately. I think some of it is external — the world is changing again now that we are coming out of COVID. We are going back to the office. Commutes, finding conference rooms, figuring out lunch, water cooler conversations are all becoming part of the new-again normal. Navigating all of that and also balancing time for me, driving carpool, karate lessons for youngest Waydo, track meets for oldest Waydo, my husband also going back to work — some days it just feels like too much. Like last night when hubs wanted to go on that date at the end of a day when I’ve been juggling different commitments since 8am. I just couldn’t. I called him and told him what I wanted, recognizing it wasn’t what he wanted. I was full of shame about it, but still had reached a limit where I had to prioritize myself. Not only was that ok with him, he’s spent the last day since coming up with ideas on how to help.

Many women I know and respect have their versions of putting themselves first. One friend calls it Hermit Mode, another Turtle Time. They pull back from doing everything for everyone and prioritize themselves. When they come back — they are better. More clear and present, full of interesting experiences to share. So, wanting to prioritize myself is not only ok, it is vital for me and the success of my teams and groups I’m a part of. I spoke about this more in this podcast.

“Put the oxygen mask on yourself before tending to others.” We hear that on every flight we take. It is the same message every time. Basically saying you can’t help others if you aren’t first attending to your own needs. Imagine the consequences on a flight if you didn’t heed this safety message.

How does this apply to work? As a leader what happens when we prioritize our wants? I’ve heard some leaders say that their wants typically reflect the team’s wants, so prioritizing themselves is prioritizing the team. I think that is right, more importantly though, I think the team wants us to share what we want with them. Knowing what we want helps them understand what success looks like, how their part fits into our vision, what the culture is, how we do work, what the decision is. All the things. That leads to more group safety and connection which are basic wants for most people. And Group Safety and Connection have been shown to be the foundation of high performing teams.

What if you don’t lead a team right now? I think the same principles apply to all groups we are a part of … family, friends, work. Knowing what each other wants leads to more connection and feelings of safety and security. All good ingredients for a great group!

xo

Jaime

Several times a week around 4pm, a nice retired couple would come in, sit in my section, and order pie. Carol was her name. I forget her husband’s. I would always joke with them about having desert before dinner — and a connection was made.

One evening while I was serving up their pie heated and a la mode, Carol asked me what my dream was. I shared with her that I dreamed of working at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, and I wanted to build robots to go to Mars. She didn’t give me the normal response which was usually some version of, “wow! dreaming big aren’t you?” . She smiled wisely, as most women in their 60s do. She shared that her brother-in-law had just retired from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, and he was moving to Bozeman. She said she’d make sure to bring him in and introduce us. I thought it was a nice coincidence, but didn’t think much more of it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I’m working a Sunday lunch shift. This shift is a good money maker, but it is absolute chaos. Imagine all the churches in town get out at about the same time, and a fair number of their patrons all want lunch at Perkins. They are hungry, it is crowded, and there are lots of kids making sure we all know how they feel about the situation. That afternoon, I was in the back re-filling the ranch dressing when someone came back and said, “there is a woman named Carol in table 41 who wants to see you.” Right then, the ranch slid out of my hands and fell on to the floor and this huge gloopy ranch volcano erupted and much of it landed on me. In my hair, on my shirt, and covering my apron. I had 7 tables all needing something, I was covered in ranch which smelled as bad as it looked, and now Carol wanted to chat. “Um ok. Tell her I’ll be there in a little bit.” I tried to make myself presentable, got my section under control and went over to say hi. And there, my connection with Carol changed my life. She introduced me to her brother Art who had been at JPL for 30 years. Art was a lovely man who helped me get an interview for an internship at JPL which later turned into a 12 year chapter of my career. All from one woman who came in and order pie.

I was thinking about that connection today as I was driving home. I started thinking about all the connections in my life that are opening opportunities for me right now. From the architect and designer helping me with the remodel on our house, to a few former colleagues asking me to do advisory & consulting work for them, to people offering advice on how to get started writing. It is incredible what these little connections do to open the doors the universe is using to help me along my divine path.

I am humbled by the serendipity there is to life and how all these connections we make are really the main ingredient. Can’t wait to see who I meet tomorrow!

xo,

J

I’ve spent the last two years digging deep and developing a healthy relationship with Anger. I was raised in a house and community where we didn’t get Angry. Now, that is obviously false. Everyone gets angry. But showing anger, was not ok. So, I got good at bottling it all up inside. I had years and years of anger stored up. Sounds gross right? It felt gross.

Two years ago I hit a low point health wise. I was overweight, exhausted, and becoming more and more of an introvert. Something had to change. I went to a week long workshop that is advertised to “change your relationship with the voice in your head to one of self-love.”. In that workshop we spent time learning how to move Anger and use it for the gift it can be.

Imagine being handed a tennis racket and being told, “here are some gloves. You might get blisters. Do you want ear plugs?” What the heck did I just get myself in to??? The job was to take the tennis racket and beat a cushion and yell and just be angry. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve done in a really long time. It was the start of me having a much healthier relationship with Anger.

I have learned to love it when Anger shows up. It is the pointer that I’m not getting my needs met. That there is a boundary missing. That something is wrong that needs to get fixed right away. I no longer just swallow it and hold it deep inside. I use it as a signal and guide that something is wrong and needs to change. It has been such a huge transformation in my life.

So fast forward to this morning, when youngest Waydo is angry b/c I’m teasing him. He starts by getting mad at me. That is not ok in our house. He catches himself, and without any correction says, “mom, may I draw a boundary?” My heart sings. He sees the anger as a signal. And he draws a beautiful boundary. One I totally understand and respect. When he was done, he made me even happier. He said, “I need to go yell in to a pillow. I’m still angry.” Yes! Yes, my son. That is how we do anger in this house.