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Lonbert

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A member registered Feb 14, 2022

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(含有剧透的点评)

主题选择经典的科考遇险、冰原求生,在参赛作品中科技科幻的程度较高,能读到还是很开心的。故事情节起伏完整,节奏也不错。

相比于很多“没有因果力选项”的参赛作品,作者能在这么短的事件内,花心思设置了两个真正的可以并置掂量的结局(而不是多数VN中选择不同人的结局),才是真正发挥了visual novel这种媒介的独特潜力,非常值得肯定!

场景方面很扎实,声音效果也匹配很好。极地的地质和气象条件描写很真实,也为跋涉途中的小冒险增加了很多真实可靠的画面感。两人冰原跋涉、生物能量的设定,让我第一个想到的作品是《黑暗的左手》。冰裂隙雪桥、南极风、极寒生理反应等专业描述,可以看出作者有相关科学知识积累或认真准备过,值得肯定!

在VN一开始作者就提示读者两个结局均非happy ending,大概能猜到会是经典的道德两难困境。但是在读故事的过程中,感觉这个“两难”塑造得有些缺陷,这也影响了人物的塑造。

==========

首先是一个小点。在“不牺牲西里尔”这个选项的分线剧情上,我觉得应该把后续出现的“短波发报机”在两难选择前就摆上台面。这样能让读者公平地根据已有的信息判断生还概率、影响决策,而非在做了“不牺牲西里尔”的决定后又冒出了新的(不是由选项因果导致的)求救工具,否则容易给人下意识感觉好像是“对没有牺牲诺亚的道德奖励”——读者内心的衡量已在按下选项的那一刻已经定格了,如果设置这种选项背后的“意外隐藏之喜”,就容易失去道德两难的严肃性,使得“真实的两难”变成“鼓励选择更善良的选项”。

而且,发报机在选项前的隐瞒,也会导致两个选项并不对等。选项A:牺牲诺亚发射长波→西里尔一人大概率获救+数据保住;选项B:留住诺亚→两人(有尊严地)活一小会后死去+数据丢失。天平明显倾向于A的。

如果把发报机拿到选项前出现并说明它的作用,那么选项B就变为: 留住诺亚+使用短波发报机→两人有中等概率获救+数据丢失。这样至少还能和选项A抗衡一下。

==========

接着是一个大点,就是“数据箱”的意义和必要性。简单地说,我觉得要么应赋予数据箱超越个人的意义,要么就不要作为砝码出现在最后的“两难”中。如果打算让数据箱出现在“两难”天平中作为一个合格的砝码,那么就必须赋予它超越个人的意义,否则“两难”情景的急迫性和严肃性将被削弱。

剧情上通过西里尔的口述和幻想,给我感觉数据箱是他实现学术野心、摆脱焦虑、下了命运赌注的宝贝,是一个对他个人意义更大的东西,那么他凭什么为了自己的数据供电而放弃等待救援,执意让诺亚跟着去冒着生命危险找电?何况是在生存经验丰富的诺亚有些反对的情况下?注意:箱子对诺亚毫无意义,诺亚和西里尔即使共事多年也不应该会到“可以为对方个人梦想牺牲自己”的地步。

这种出于个人愿望的冒险动机,设定不够大气,从而影响了我对第一视角主角的共情——他们本可选择安全地等待救援,但却因为博士爱惜数据而出门冒险找电,这让我觉得西里尔很自私、诺亚有些NPC。

如果说博士因处于一个执着于科研成就的状态,他单独一个人不舍得宝贵数据并为此有豁出老命的打算,那我在情感上能理解。但是!同他一起在困境中的还有另外一个人诺亚。如果我们相信诺亚不是工具人而是一个也想活下去的安全员/助手,那么博士盲目乐观一意孤行就有点拉着对方一起去送死的感觉啊。【让我想到了:斯科特当年不听专家建议警告、不顾队员身心状态,执念征服南极、到死都不放弃采的岩石样本,最后悲剧团灭。】

当然会有人反驳说“也不一定要塑造道德动机完美的主角哇”,可这样就会严重削弱结尾“两难”的震撼,原因是:主角已经展现了自私,而读者一旦有了这种“自己道义不完整”的第一视角感受,就容易在后续的选择困境中出戏——只有当我们感觉“自己是一个好人”时,才会更愿意维护自己的道德水准,会去更认真考虑各种选择背后的内心道德审视,从而更大程度地激发出读者的纠结犹豫。

==========

如果想要立住“两难”的效果,最简单的改法是改变“数据箱的意义”,从而使之能和“诺亚的牺牲”有同样的心理震撼:不要强调它是个人心血/能力成就的证明,而把它换为某种更深远的超出个人的意义,比如“这个极地风暴数据带来的认知,能够扭转当下类似《后天》中的那种灾难,拯救更多人”。这样“诺亚牺牲自己帮主角”的情节才不会让他显得像一个高利他倾向的NPC。【举一个真实发生的事:科学家郭永怀和他的警卫员牟东方在飞机失事最后时刻用身体护住两弹绝密资料。警卫员未必懂这些资料,但他在事故第一时间想到的是资料对国家安全(而不是郭本人)的重要性,所以会在生命最后一刻配合郭。】

还有一种我更喜欢的改法,就是让数据箱在一开始就被抛弃、不要上天平,同时两个人去中继站的理由换为“单纯发射求救信号&获得能源制暖”,这样最后的2个选项变为:A:牺牲诺亚发射长波→西里尔一人大概率获救;选项B:用发报机发射短波→获救概率变小&诺亚有可能撑不过。这样把两难集中在了“生存”上,无关个人荣耀,我觉得对于一个短篇来说效果会更好!

==========

总的来说我还是很肯定这个故事的,只是剧情设定可能需要更好的打磨才能达到效果。这种在故事最后才出现决定性两难的手法,也是很好的设计。

美术什么的,我觉得在故事立意已经很丰富的情况下,不构成拖后腿(就像《Life is Strange》一样),预制的立绘在此VN中我感觉还蛮合适的。

是否切题方面,乍一想是有点不切”漫漫长夜“(其实表面也很好改,把故事背景换成南极极夜就ok),但故事核心是求生做艰难选择走出险境的过程,我认为也算切的。

谢谢作者的创作和分享(以及看我啰嗦写这么一堆哈哈哈)~

以上

(涉及剧透的点评)

给自己(曾经)怨恨的、已经去世的父亲守孝度过夜晚,了解父亲在其他人中的形象和往事,在心理上真的漫长。设想出这么一个场景切题"漫漫长夜",还是很让我惊叹的!作品是偏沉重写实风格的,在一众参赛作品中难以忽视。


主角刘晓远的心理转变是一大看点。同辈人的生活比较、家庭之外的人对他的态度和评价、自己的成长认知,让主角看到了命运可能欠自己的幸福,于是心怀怨恨的他,想通过对抗与否定(考上研远离家乡、恨父亲的影响)来证明自己将不会和父亲走上同一条道路。从某种意义上,这确实帮助他走上了”读书改变命运“的道路。

但当否定的对象(父亲)消失的时候,他突然发现自己的动机也削弱了,于是会开始怀疑自己之前对抗的意义,并且也更加敏感于自己身上父亲的影子。同时,借助亲戚视角中自己家庭家族的往事,他似乎明白苦难可以往前、往外无穷追溯下去,进而进入一种言行表现有些麻木的心理过渡期。


我觉得该作品情节推动设计很好。通过几位亲戚按照自己的立场和视角顺序登场,逐步引起主角发现:自己并不了解父亲作为父亲之外的角色(弟弟、哥哥、儿子,其实还缺一个”丈夫“。要是比赛立绘提供一个女性角色,使作者能从刘晓远母亲的视角再来一些讲述,就更好了)。

这些心理上的侧击,使得刘晓远怀疑自己是否有些对父亲过于苛责了,所以他会暂时有”堂吉诃德攻击风车“的感觉(但我认为这不能否定父亲的失职,父亲并不是主角的”假想“敌,而是真实的直接伤害来源)。

同时,也正是这份怀疑与失焦,使主角的关注点从”父亲为代表的原生家庭伤害“转向了”背后的真相“,使他暂时放下自己”受害者“的立场,能在最后能鼓起好奇心,去(主动)从亲戚那里知道了”自己的出生是因为父亲当年坚持“——这意味着对父亲的恨无法彻底,也无法成为自己”完美逃离有害原生家庭“的人生叙事。因此陷入了一种心平气和的”绝望“——“命运的归命运,自己的归自己”。这种转变,似乎能在结尾”主角面对朝阳时,戒烟念头闪过“中看出,给人希望。


对于人物必要性方面,我觉得三个人的视角对主角建立完整认知都是必要的。二舅作为娘家人,对于揭刘家的短也不会特别留情,视角必不可少。大伯、小叔虽然都是父亲家的,但大伯作为父亲家族衰败的导火索以及现在家族的顶梁柱,必然不会主动谈起自己曾经造的孽,但是目前负责任的他却是最适合表达对主角关心的;而与父亲关系较好的小叔,则可以相对口无遮拦地讲述一些家族真相。这些人讲述的故事,都很匹配他们的利益和视角局限,感觉到作者用心了!唯一可惜的是没有刘晓远母亲角度的讲述。另外看到其他评论期待有群像描写/对话会更好,这个我也赞同。

最后,如果让我来理解作品《烟·灰》对“漫漫长夜”的切题解读是:依靠”否定父亲“获得的前行动力消失了(黑暗中只要能生存下来就好,不问动机),接下来是只有自己面对”自己想成为什么样的人“了(阳光下没有黑暗阻碍的借口,只有自己对自己负责了)。

谢谢作者的创作和分享~❀❀❀

能写战争题材,确实很有勇气!期待完整的故事。

【剧情视角提问】结局出现的《鲍里斯少尉自传》,是包括整个VN的内容的吗,还是仅仅是作为一个引用交代战争结束?(即,VN的内容,是否是鲍里斯以想象的彼得回忆视角写对战友的怀念,还是彼得真实的第一视角?如果是前者,那挺有创意的,让我想到了博尔赫斯的《刀疤》 )

制作精良,美术优秀,选题别出心裁紧扣时代,理想主义与黑暗现实的碰撞,故事很有感染力!

是罕见的”不含任何 奇幻/科幻/crush/特效/梦境暗示/架空世界“的现实主义FVN,靠现实剧情就把故事人物都撑起来了!以后如果想给圈外人推荐furry,我觉得可以从这篇入手~

======含有剧透的点评======

故事讲述的是,老一辈媒体人在实践中传授自己面对现实时的经验教训,回忆自己的取舍与心路历程,以及给后辈恰当的点拨和鼓励,给人一种”精神传承“的感动。(上一次给我有这种深刻印象的是VN《428:被封锁的涩谷》里面的记者御法川实)

印象最深的是”工伤赔偿封口费“事件中多方的观点发声,尤其是陆告诉向”不能期待别人为了自己的新闻理想而去当’英雄‘“,”维护正义需要成本,不是每个人总能负担得起的“。这种反思指向自身,而非仅仅是黑暗的现实,我觉得很勇敢!陆对”受害者选择接受封口费“的理解,并且把道理清楚地讲出来,我觉得是故事的高潮。这一点的反思,我觉得超过了电影《熔炉》中类似剧情主题的深度(有个贫困家庭小孩的奶奶也选择收钱而保持沉默,而非配合去伸张正义)。

与现实斗争,要记初衷(为了人民,人民要先能生存了再能谈活得好),要有智慧和耐心,并不是简单的”斗不过就躺平“。理想主义不应成为忽视现实的借口,夜行的道路难免会遇到曲折,有这样的预判,才不容易气馁,才能带着理想走得长远。

谢谢作者团队的创作和分享!❀❀❀


PS: 有几个情节设计感觉有些不合理(也可能是我平时看电视少),不过不影响故事叙述。

1. 主持人一般不会在新闻直播节目中与公司代表对峙?有点法庭的感觉了。

2. 有点名气的主持人,面孔应该容易被认出,要想潜入一个有过节的大公司,有点困难?

考虑到剧本长度限制,这可能是为了利于表达”陆的认知在实践中变化,是有第一视角的经历可以依据的“,而使他一人承担多个任务了。

故事讲得真好!读完后我第一个联想到的是《哈尔的移动城堡》哈哈!

情节流畅,随着故事展开,人物关系距离发展自然;

能感到玄幻元素与设定是经过慢慢铺垫的,最后发现真相也很能理解与接受;

绘图使用模糊轮廓(油画的感觉),饱和度不高,风格与故事表达的人物历史沧桑感很搭;主角和室内为暖色调,室外为冷色调,很能衬托出氛围。UI设计蛮多心意的;配乐也都很契合。

谢谢作者团队的创作与分享!


======【带有剧透的疑问/建议】======

要说美中不足的话,我感觉在故事的后期情节设计上,(可能是因为篇幅和创作时间的限制所致):

1. 日记没有交代卡塞尔为何离开了飞船,感觉他会比埃利更有把握了解船和说服隆恩;

2. 如果将日记中的真相拿出一部分借隆恩之口讲出,似乎可以设计更有张力的互动, 但考虑到隆恩现在沉默的性格也许需要更多相处的时间才能发生;

3. 狮子听劝并采取行动的过程似乎有些过于容易和快了,我其实会期待他们在争论之后的一天,再做出飞船降落的决定,可以在这段时间内消化情绪和产生互动交流,这会显得更真实。

不过瑕不掩瑜,整体是非常棒的短篇VN,结尾也给人留下很多遐想!谢谢你们!

故事读起来好真实和亲切!

So Real and Nice !

(wanna read the text version)🙂

Take all the time you need to support your family and take care of yourself.
We’ll be here :)

【about VN with voice】

This VN is the first audio VN I have experienced, and I think it is a highlight. But in the subsequent experience, I found that it also has an obvious drawback, which is that for long conversations, I often finish reading but the other person hasn't finished speaking. As a result, I watched many conversations without waiting for the other person to finish speaking. But this seems a bit disrespectful to the character.

I think in order to reduce costs and improve the reader experience, it is better to only record the first few key sentences in the conversation and highlight exclamation , rather than recording all sentences. Otherwise, the quickly reading advantage of VN will be compromised.

【about Dialogue and Interaction】

The dialogue style between the MC(Delta) and other characters is not the same: others' sentences are with quotes, while MC's often in a third perspective like "I told the other person what I said", rather than directly using quotes to indicate what the MC said. Using this style of dialogue makes me detached to the MC, and I feel confused because it's hard to distinguish between my inner thoughts and the thoughts I have expressed. Also, the interaction between characters is often dominated by dialogue, lacking an appropriate portion of description of actions and events.

【About Character Shaping】--Spoiler--

Apart from the main six roles, the counselor and Argus leader, there are no other people's image displays. It seems that the life circle of the MC is so concentrated, and other roles have no image.

Among them, I am most satisfied with the counselor, and conversations with him always make me feel relaxed. But with others, I always feel that their lives seems to have nothing to do with me, except when they interact with me intimately.

Breaking down the plot into fragments of 'pivotal', 'heart to heart', and 'supplementary' seems odd to me. A good narrative should integrate the shaping of characters into whole events and discussions, and the fragmental dialogues all feel too short to have substantive results.

Also, many fragments are just showing how characters bicker with each other, and sometimes even accelerating to certain  themes to help readers summarize. I think this weakens readers' freedom of interpretation.

【about Music and Illustrations】

Many scenes are obviously with serious discussions or urgent plots, but the use of inappropriate music, such as overly relaxed music right before the Day, hardly gives me the sense of urgency or the upcoming danger.

Though, the credits ending song "Flashback", created by Klace, is great and can make players feel like they have experienced a lot.

--Spoiler--

The entire game is a reflection of a "revolution" for future people. So, it seems that from this perspective, no matter how difficult and dangerous the past may have been, it will eventually become agreeble? But this makes me feel not right in those moments.

Many pivotal scenes lack CG, and as a high priced VN, I am disappointed with this: the background stories of the main characters do not have any CGs, and there is no CG before and after the success of the revolution. There are also no corresponding illustrations when describing and introducing the history of Argus, leaving all this to reader's imagination.

--Spoiler--

For example, to understand how Issac, as a revolutionary, has put in a lot of effort, but there has been none illustration showing how he specifically grew into a rebel. All his story simply relys on a few dialogues of his description. Perhaps this is due to the setting of the VN, as all of these are memories of MC, so there won't be any other background stories interspersed? And considering that the stories narrated by others may contain subjective concealment elements, the author hopes that we can remain vigilant?

Regardless of the author's considerations, the lack of key plot CG and illustrations of other timeline's background weakens the VN's sense of moment and empathy with the characters.

【about the storyline】-- Spoiler--

When faced with danger, I cannot understand why the main characters can still relax and have fun, parties, and drinks. Since they were a team, they could have done some division of labor of their mission, like information gathering. But in the end, Issac was able to easily topple Argus down alone, and the whole job was almost entirely operated by Issac, which seems way TOO EASY. I think others (including MC) were very passive in the final plot, and their roles were shown almost only after Issac was injured.

I do not reject stories of individual heroism, but I think the author didn't tell it well. The part of conflicts between Issac and Argus is too short, and I thought Argus would fight back more but there's almost none before the Day. It is obvious that Issac did not gather a group of "accomplice" with firm revolutionary beliefs. He had a wishful thinking - he wanted to maintain friendship outside the revolutionary circle and also wanted the revolution to succeed. His sudden idea of 'letting his friends in his rebel plan' may actually make him fail both wishes.

The final plot, discussing how to handle the stolen Argus confidential data, did not explain why there were no pursuers. And the key logical issue is that : Since they have already bluffed to Argus' people that 'they have already transmitted the data to Cipher's headquarters', which makes Argus have enough reason to pursue Isaac and others , why  destroying the only hard drive? Wouldn't they lose the only bargaining chip should things go south? 

Being afraid of data leak out of fear of possible future vision punishment is a lack of confidence in their sense of justice for their actions.

As Klace said, revealing secrets in Argus's data may even solve the Komorebi mystery! Moreover, these people have already exposed their identities and the hacking process has been live streamed. It's better to go all out to the end!

Perhaps this is the price that Issac needs to pay. Since he cares more about the sense of belonging of his friends around him THAN about the complete success of the revolution.

【 About Background Setting】--  Spoiler --

I have to admit, one big attraction of this work to me is that it doesn't require me to comply with monogamy. 

The setting that most people have visions of their possible futures, but the MC doesn't have one. 

But later on, it was mentioned that in order to control people's panic, The System that monitors and manages people's lives and the large group Argus that controls it emerged. I feel that this causality is weak! If there could be more explanation, the credibility may be higher.

Another theme worth reading is "equality": those who are not in cities managed by the Argus are called "Zeros", and they cannot enjoy the status treatment of residents in the city. The description of the change of the MCs' attitude towards them is good, which deserves credits.

Glad to hear that things are becoming more stable for you !     Congratulations~

Hi there, I known this might be a trivial thought : 

Is the webpage animation (where Copper and Syrus sit on the train ) a little bit too faster than that in the game main menu ?  And I think the latter one seems more natural.

And if this is your design, just never mind my words. You do great already, thanks~

finally! thank you !

"i just cant connect""characters either muscly or bulky"

Totally!

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I want to say thanks to this VN! What happened in this VN are so real-life. It reminds me of some similar situations that I didn't try my best. Wish I learnt my lesson and had the chance to mend for it.

Got it, Thanks~

The end hurts, but I think it hurts in a good way. So thank you !

By the way, I wonder where the ogg music "Journey Onward" plays ? I like it but I can't find it in the VN. 

看过不少VN,终于看到不是以感情线为主的VN了(根据倾向具体迷恋上一个角色的那种)!

真的好喜欢和他们在一起,那种有归属的感觉(家人般的战友情?)

画风、配乐很赞!

That's a relief !

That's a great update! Thank you !

I just want to ask if there's any chance to see Caijoru's brother in the future. I want to know him more! 

Love this VN! Thank you so much for turning my always-dreaming fantasy into such a work!  Background music also Great!

(spoiler)

Somehow before Ted mentioned his eye color, I instinctively have a feeling about his identity, so I'm not that surprised when he tells the truth. <3 Maybe that's the reason why I foolishly follow him into that world in the first place. And I notice Caijoru changes into Ted's clothes, which makes me feel really bittersweet. While waiting,  I furiously imagine what adventures they have, what stories they share,  just to linger so the end won't come so fast...

For another route, I appreciate the shift of viewpoint, and Sean is a good listener! Really want to know more about Caijoru's past!