hloth microblog

life indeed feels like eternal suffering now. it takes a significant effort just to not lose mind.

the only person I cared for, the only one I trusted and hoped would save me on the world's final countdown, took advantage of it, left me and then proceeded to hurt me.

I had no job for more than a year now, no income for months. I applied to 200+ companies, going as low as asking $15/hour yet I haven't heard back even from the companies who were initially interested in hiring me and in which I successfully passed the technical interviews.

and to say I've got anything from dating is to blatantly lie — after hundreds of swipes to right and likes and reaching out to tens of people directly, literally just a couple of guys talked to me back and not a single person on this planet expressed anything remotely close to a desire to be together (regardless of what this would look like). even in saturday night gay clubs I've got no one interested in me.

the rest of the world has gone crazy too
economical crisis
political crisis
nuclear threats
wars, violence, censorship
forced emigration
largest unemployment rates among young adults
AI-slop flood, deepfakes and bots

wealthy billionaires becoming richer
the rest are coming to poverty, myself included

I take 6 pills of my antidepressants a day but they stopped working many months ago and I can't request new treatment because the free healthcare queue in Spain is 6+ months (I just moved from Catalonia to Aragon so I have to wait another six months again). I don't have money to go to a paid doctor and no one to borrow money from.

I was gaining weight since last summer but now that I left the social program and must prep meals myself, I honestly find it easier to just skip a couple of meals a day and eat only when my hands start having tremor: this way I save money on food, save time on cooking and also slightly lose weight — all at once.

I believe I started forcing myself to sleep more recently because dreams are my only escape from the reality, the only place I can find my love, joke around, feel save and warm, see someone who genuinely wants to be in touch with me. I do wake up after about 5 hours of sleep but eventually fall back if I stay still for long enough.

now that the Valentine's day is coming this Saturday, I really thought I'd feel excruciating pain of being completely alone, but my mind keeps playing games with me and it appears like I don't really feel anything right now

life feels like an ended storyline where the cinema ending peaked when I was 18. now my only side quest is to scrape enough money to survive another month. another week. just another day. at least another hour. I try to enjoy each minute when I feel OK.

I might be overdramatizing here but the reality is that human body stops growing at about 20-26 so I will only decay from this point till the day when inevitable comes after me. I'll never get a chance to reverse my aging. I can't continue to compete. so why not fast-forward it? world war III, nuclear war, ai takeover, another epidemic, cancer, aids, terrorists, whatever.

I couldn't find a community to fit into. Everyone is either too old, too young or too different from me. My open source contributions are no longer relevant, not that many of them were groundbreaking and essential to begin with. My words fall into void and there is nothing I can change about it. The impostor syndrome in me is so strong I can barely keep myself from deleting all my social media and try to erase all traces of me. I organized a charity event and no one bothered to come and support the movement I make.

with all that said in mind, would you dare to tell me that there's something to look forward to? would you tell me to keep looking, to keep pushing, to move on and wait for the good times?

I'd like to finish this off with a funny video I watched today about modern dating. it's in Russian, but believe me it's worth watching. I'll just go try my luck in niche communities once again, perhaps today something interesting happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cswYnHjVzi0