Hello Again

January 15, 2024 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

Hello again.
My dear, old friend.
I’ve had you since 2011.
I’ve buried my nose, my tears, my fears, my dreams, and everything in between, in your now-yellowed pages.
I last took a pencil to you in 2017.
It was only ever pencil, because I was too afraid of the permanence, the finality of my mistakes, my words, of *anything* back then. I wanted to always leave space for change.
And change I did.
The girl whose nose was always buried in a book or a journal…
What happened to her?
It’s 2024.
I miss her so much.
I miss her reckless abandon between sheets of paper,
How she soared through and conjured worlds without a care in this one.
Maybe she stopped needing to escape to them?
Maybe she stopped having time to, when reality came crashing through.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to create…
Sure, I’ll spill a few words here & there, but it isn’t nearly the same.
I want her back.
I want to get lost in pages for hours; days.
The fear of mistakes with my words weighs so much heavier than it did back then.
The perfectionism is exhausting, and I wish my head could grasp what my heart knows-
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
NOTHING is perfect, it doesn’t exist.
I just have to start, and keep going.
Maybe I’ll get her back,
Or maybe I’ll find that she too, has changed.
And maybe that’s the scariest of all.
What if she’s gone?
She can’t be, can she?
Is she not just me?
…So many memories in this falling-apart journal- yet your pages aren’t full. My story isn’t full.
Let’s start again, my friend, and see if we can’t find what’s lost, or create something else entirely new.
A promise to try-
A promise to never truly let go of your dreams, no matter how scary they might seem.
Because things change,
And you know what, that’s alright.
Hello again.
Now the question is, should I choose pencil, or pen?

“Blank”/Untitled

April 23, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

This blank space mocks her.

Too white, unblemished.

Too white, vacant of words.

Words that should be flowing…

Maybe she should be writing, pen in hand

Paper that’s less white, sprinkled with lines

Not typing, viewing black streaks on a pearlescent screen…

She’s tired and she doesn’t think she’ll make it

She wonders what everyone else sees in her

She sees herself quit, again and again

And she’s not even sure what makes her this way

Except that she’s tired

She wants to start again

And again and again and again

But she never finishes in the first place

Why?

…the blinking cursor mocks her

She can’t collect her thoughts

What if she’s too much like him after all?

What if she’s too much like her,

The side of her she refused to see for so long?

She doesn’t know where to go

Or what to do or who to trust

What’s real?

And she wonders if she really knows what passion feels like?

She reasons that she has, but in this numbness and whirlwind of thought

She’s lost and unsure of everything

-even gravity

It all feels a lie

Some disgusting facade

Some dream she’ll eventually wake from

Run.

But to where?

From what or whom, and how?

Run until nothing looks familiar, and never let it get that way.

Maybe this is what he left her with?

This unquenchable urge to just run.

Not write or build or explain or prepare, just run.

Remember, Forgive & Forget

March 21, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

I want to dance and cry and scream,

In the memory of all the things we think are better forgotten.

“Forgive and forget”, they say.

Forgive, by all means forgive,

But please don’t forget?

How do you expect to learn anything if you’re always forgetting?

Forgetting the mistake that led to the need for forgiveness in the first place makes the entire existence of the human experience irrelevant.

We’re here to learn.

You cannot learn when you plague yourself with incessant forgetfulness of your faults, of their faults.

Remember.

Forgive, but please for the sake of every member – never, ever forget.

Always remember.

February 23, 2017

February 23, 2017February 23, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

In deference of this mess she deemed her life,

She became taciturn and riddled with strife,

She longed for the ossification of her heart,

Her soul became a cryophilic, silent part,

Holding on to the hope of tranquility

She didn’t realize her fragility.

Scar

February 23, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

You’re just another scar to me
Reminder that now I’m free
If I ever feel that way again, flee
Never sit with my tea
And ponder a certain tree
Or hand over my key
Just catch that degree
Pardon the idiosyncrasy
And remember that I was the sea.

Roots vs Wings

February 23, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

You assured me I was safe
That I was allowed to cultivate
Grow roots
And you’d be there to motivate
I reached out with fledgling straps at first
Still thinking it would hurt the worst
To grow roots
Where I had desired wings
I tried roots for you
When I finally felt grounded, stable
You took a scythe and like the grim reaper
Oddly lithe
Ripped those roots from me
But I thank you
I’ve missed my wings.

Stars Can Sink

February 23, 2017February 24, 2017 ~ Severia ~ Leave a comment

I thought you’d show me the stars and I’d show you the sea,
Together we would be free,
You blinded like the sun as you explored my depths;
I see you didn’t like what you found in me,
You couldn’t truly dive into my sea,
Wouldn’t.
Of course,
How could you ever love me?

My depths made you unhappy,
You tried to keep this unbeknownst to me, but what you didn’t foresee was that I’ve know that feeling all too well, and you can’t keep infernos from your no-longer prospective bride’s eyes.

I may be swallowed in depths untold,
And now you’ve pushed me down, tenfold.
I still see your space in all the lines of your face, far-off and too beautiful to erase.
I guess that’s just our case-

How dare us think that stars couldn’t sink.