Above you will hear a man conversing with Duke Nukem. You will question why you didn’t shut it off sooner. You will not come to any new understandings.

edit: Sorry about the link rather than the fancy graphic, I’ll fix it as soon as I’m able.

https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/FlashTextproject.swf?w=1c008600

https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/ErichThielenhausstupidflash.swf?w=378a3928

https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/smallgallerything.swf?w=0c5530f1

These are like, some of my first endeavors (oh yeah) into flash, man. It was an interesting experience that I’ll probably (most likely) follow up on in the future with something possibly remotely decent. Anythings possible, right?

Wait, where are you going?

Sam and Sam Mugo-whatever-I-dunno

The Confusion of Progress

But he didn’t have the want; so we sent him away. Far away. Into the mountains.

Can they show that!?

Sorry man, we’re like, out of shoes.

Dog, with ovals

As video games become more and more narrative, it’s no wonder designers are always working to bring on the next big twist. For every “The cake is a lie,” or “Would you kindly?” there are a hundred big bad flubs that leave us asking “Huh?”

This isn’t a list of gaming twists – no, these are the top ten twists in gaming that nobody, not even M. Night, asked for. 

7. Indigo Prophecy

Before Quantic Dream was winning over Hollywood screenwriters with Heavy Rain, there was Indigo Prophecy (Or Fahrenheit, for our European brothers.) That premise of the game was strange but simple, people are possessed and kill. Lucas, the main character, is one of these people possessed. Carla, a police investigator, is another. The game starts as a down to earth paranormal thriller with creepy overtones and a strange Mayan priest. But, before long, all the pulpy touches are sifted out of the plot in favor of insane Matrix battles.

Our hero Lucas starts to show off crazy powers early on, but when he dies and is brought back to life by an anthropomorphic AI called the “Purple Clan” this plot just tips over the crazy scale. A little crazy can be cool sometimes, especially in this game, but I don’t think anyone asked for what we got.

6. Clock Tower III

Clock Tower: The First Fear was a cult Japanese horror game that introduced the world to the diminutive serial killer Scissorman. The game and its sequels took place in creepy mansions and featured branching stories with a adventure game style interface. Strange things abounded, but for the most part they were limited to spooky curses and multiple personality disorders. The games were outlandish, sure, but featuring nothing totally out of left field.

Until Clock Tower III came along. Watch above starting at 2:15 to see what I mean. None of the games really follow a continuity, they just feature overtones of the paranormal mixed with serial killers and spooky locations. Clock Tower III takes those elements and snorts a flatbed truck quantity of crack. The game starts out simply enough, with ghosts, a creepy mansion, flashbacks – but everything rams to a logical halt when it is discovered that the heroine named Alyssa Hamilton is the descendent of a long line of serial-killer fighters known at “Rooders”, that can communicate with the dead and apparently summon Magical-Girl-Anime-Style bows from the sky. Really, Clock Tower III? Rooders? I rest my case.

Luckily no one really cared enough about Clock Tower to ask for something better.

5. Phantasmagoria II: A Puzzle of Flesh

What have we here? Another creepy games with paranormal undertones and psychological story-telling that goes completely off the rails at the end? Say it ain’t so, Phantasmagoria II! But, yes, I’m afraid this isn’t the last horror game on our list. Phantasmagoria II raised questions about the mental health of our hero, Curtis, by suggesting he was both going insane and killing his coworkers in fits of amnesiac sleep-walking. Not exactly the most original premise, but the FMV game won some over with its intrigue and enjoyably corny actors – that is, until the end.

The real ‘puzzle of flesh’ was who was paid to write this stuff. It turns out Curtis is actually an interdimensional creature created somehow, while the real Curtis, who was sent to another dimension in an experiment as a child and is now stuck there, and sends evil apparitions to drive Curtis insane. That’s right, our hero is a clone made of “slime and dead rats”. What a satisfying twist.

4. Alone in the Dark (2008)

Finally we reach the last horror game on our list, and boy is this one a doozy. This game was a mess to begin with, but it tried enough to win some people over. The fire mechanics were cool, even though the method of setting fire to bullets (By dousing them in gasoline and then firing them from a gun. Yeah.) wasn’t winning over any scientists. Despite how technically poor this game was, and don’t even ask about that horrendous driving stage, it did a few things right.

For the endings, start at 8:20.

The twist ending was not one of them. In a class “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario, it turns out Lucifer is possessing SOMEONE, either your plucky sidekick Sarah or the grumpy hero Edward Carnby. Either way, the world is up shit creek without a paddle and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. So, all those monotonous quests burning down evil trees to pad out the game amounted to exactly jack-shit. Alone in the Dark didn’t ask to be on this list, but it’s going there anyway.

3. Final Fantasy VIII

Bear with me, Final Fantasy VIII is literally chock full of odd and strange twists, but we’re only talking about one and only one specifically screwy twist. For those unfamiliar with Final Fantasy, because so many are, they’re Japanese RPGs developed by Square (Now Square Enix) that focus on story-telling, turn-based battles, and party micromanagement. That’s all well and good, but when the story enters plot convenience playhouse there’s almost no turning back. That’s right, I’m talking about the orphanage.

All of our heroes grew up together. But they all forgot. Why? Because they summon monsters, which is an explanation our heroes pull directly out of their asses to explain away this insane twist of fate. Also the Matron of their orphanage is Disk 1 boss Sorceress Edea! Gasp!  Why does it matter that everyone lived together? Why does this twist exist? No reason, I guess the game just needed something to bookend the second disk.

2. Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge

This is when things just get weird. Monkey Island stars the bumbling pirate-wannabe Guybrush Threepwood. All of the games are just straight silly, so the plots aren’t exactly important. These are all hilarious games, filled with witty banter and irreverent jokes poking fun at just about anything under the sun. Except for one brief moment, the joke was on us.

During the climactic showdown with undead pirate LeChuck over the treasure of Big Whoop, one major twist sent all us adventure-gamers’ heads spinning. LeChuck unmasked, revealing himself to be Guybrush’s brother Chuckie. Things only got stranger, as a construction crew enters the site and orders the two out. They leave, exiting a tunnel topsite as children, meeting their parents. And what do you know, they’re standing in the Big Whoop Amusement Park. 

Sure, it’s hinted and eventually revealed that all that strangeness was just a spell. But rather than humorous, this was just straight strange. Despite all that, Monkey Island 2 remains a classic of the adventure genre, no doubt this off-kilter ending contributed to its legendary status.

1. Crackdown

We leave the most unnecessary for last. Philosophers have long pondered the truly pressing questions in our time, such as: Could God create a rock so heavy even he could not lift it? Move over, admittedly stupid ponderance, you have a successor. Can a game with no story have a twist ending?

In a truly mind-boggling turn, it turns out the Agency your superagent works for and its Director empowered the gangs of the island in order to instill fear, followed up by destroying the gangs and taking over the island. This is the exemplar of unnecessary narrative. In a game with a premise as simple as “Bad guys, destroy!” nobody wanted a guilt trip over the evils of compliance.

Until a little game from Capcom changed all that: Bionic Commando took away our precious jump and replaced it with a swinging bionic arm-hook-thing. Gaming was changed forever. Okay, not really, but with the release of a sequel to a remake of Bionic Commando (Confused yet?) finding release, it’s about time to look at the unsung heroes of the gaming genre. Today, I salute the swingers by counting down my favorites. So strap on your bat-grapple-gun, switch to the Hookshot, and crack that whip, it’s time for Gaming’s Top Ten Swingers!

And, no, not that kind of swinger. Gaming protagonists never have partners to swap anyway, pervs.

10. Gabriel Belmont – Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

The Belmont Clan go way back to Castlevania on NES, but surprisingly it wasn’t until Super Castlevania IV on SNES that a Belmont used his Vampire Killer whip for anything other than, well, killing vampires. When Simon Belmont swung and that SNES showed off its parallax processing, kids everywhere dropped a collective deuce in excitement.

The Belmonts have been chilling for awhile on handholds, but in 2010 they made a beautiful HD return with Gabriel in Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Sure, the sharp graphics and sweeping musical score made sure we knew this was a big budget return, but what was I waiting for? That’s right, the swinging. Gabriel swings again, this time with a cross that’s also a chain-whip? It’s a video-game, just roll with it. In Prince of Persia-esque platforming sequences, (And a little God of War thrown in… okay a lot God of War) Gabriel swung right into my heart and directly into the Number 10 spot on this list.

If only he was the first to swing with his whip. Someone else beat poor Simon to the punch.

9. Indiana Jones – Lego Indiana Jones 1 + 2, Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb, Indiana Jones and a #&$^load of Adventure Games

If swinging has a name… it must be… Indiana Jones! Maybe Belmont is the more illustrious gaming character, but Indiana Jones has the whole family beat when it comes to pure swinging. Indiana has actually been treated pretty well in gaming form, with a couple of always awesome Lego games, a healthy heaping of Lucas Arts adventure titles, and one seriously underrated Xbox action-adventure. Like a bad penny, Indiana Jones turns up on every list, this time solidly at number nine.

8. Spider-Man – Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man: Web of Shadows

Listen bud, he’s got radioactive blood, and he’s got a set of sweet web-shooters for stringing up bad-guys and swinging around New York. Whether they’re mechanical or natural, fanboys will argue their favorite interpretation until the end of time, but they’ll always functions the same. Spider-Man’s unique swinging by launching web-lines is one of the most iconic and fun ways to travel in gaming, but also one established in comics instead of specifically for the flickering screen of interactive fiction. Like Indiana Jones, Spider-Man will always be recognized as a character from another medium, albeit one that made a splash when his swinging mode of transport was finally ported over successfully. Even his lesser games, like Spider-Man: The Movie for Xbox featured awesome swinging (And even more awesome cameo by Bruce Campbell.) continued by even older titles like Spider-Man on Playstation that showed off the playful narration of the unforgettable Stan Lee. Excelsior!

With great power comes great swinging, sticking this Spider onto number eight.

7. Lara Croft – Tomb Raider: Legend, Tomb Raider: Underworld, Tomb Raider and the Guardian of Light

Lara Croft smashed onto the gaming scene in 1996 with Tomb Raider, and the franchise only grew from there. The games have fluctuated in quality, but when it was time to bring Lara Croft and her two best assets into the next generation, developer Crystal Dynamic realized something was missing. Swinging of course!

In Tomb Raider: Legend, Lara came equipped with a magnetic zip-line. Lucky for her scraps of metal were dotted all over ancient stone temples, always in just the right places. Guardian of Light brought new innovations in grappling hook gaming – namely, two player action. One player can throw the grappling hook while another uses it to cross a chasm, now that’s thinking with swinging, Lara!

Sadly, there’s even greater hook-ers (Ahem.) to come on this list, so Lara is stuck at lucky number seven.

6. Link – The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Link is kind of a big deal in gaming circles, so it’s no wonder he picked himself up a grappling hook at some point. Link, losing the rope and going with something more stylish, finally got around to getting the Hookshot in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past for SNES. The only problem? He doesn’t swing with it; instead he is pulled directly into whatever the hook grabs. Okay, so Link isn’t so much a swinger as he is a pullee, but we can forgive the little guy this time, he does try. In fact, he tries a little too hard; since getting his hands on the hookshot, he’s gotten greedy. Just to name a few, Link has a longshot, a long hook, a clawshot, a DOUBLE clawshot, and the list goes on. We get it, Link, you like grappling hooks. Because you try so hard, you’re sixth on this list of awesome swingers.

Shh. It’s a secret to everybody.

5. Batman – Batman: Arkham Asylum, Lego Batman

Finally, the last of the fictional-characters-not-originally-from-a-video-game (AKA FCNOFVGs) on this list. But, what can I say, it’s Batman, and when it comes to preexisting characters few have been treated with a game as good as Batman: Arkham Asylum. Batman’s trademark grappling hook makes a comeback, able to swing onto ledges, pull on goons in a fight, or even splitting into three separate grappling hooks to tear down walls or ceilings! That’s an all-purpose bat-grappling-hook if I ever saw one, and Batman even gets a change to swing… in a Lego game. That’s right, in Lego Batman, our titular hero doesn’t just zip-line, and he swings with the best of them. It just so happens he swings over toy bricks for children.

Some days you just can’t get rid of a swinger (Or a bomb.) leaving Batman stuck at number five.

4. Adrian Shepherd – Half-Life: Opposing Force

Wait – who? I can already hear the shock. How can some nobody be a better swinger than Batman! Or Simon Belmont for that matter! Well, everyone so far we’ve talked about has been… normal, not counting Spider-Man. They use grappling hooks, hooks shot from a handheld or wrist-mounted devices that reels an individual in. Well, Adrian Shepherd, a marine tasked with fighting off the alien hordes attacking Black Mesa while Gordon Freeman was playing around in another dimension, he got a little more creative.

Shepherd, instead of building a gadget, pulled one of the disgusting teeth-and-tongue monsters stuck to the many ceilings of Black Mesa called barnacles out of a lab and stuck it to his arm. When called up, the Barnacle, a red set of teeth with a long dangling tongue, would launch its tongue directly forward, allowing good ol’ Shepherd to swing from it like a rope, or reel himself in. Creativity has its rewards and Shepherd’s alien-monster grappling hook tongue just happens to stick him right into number four.

3. Samus Aran – Super Metroid, Metroid Prime 1-3

Samus might be a girl under all that heavy armor, but she can jump like nobody’s business. That is, when she gets her hands on the Space Jump upgrade to her power suit. So, what does Ms. Aran bring to the table as far as grappling hooks go? She doesn’t shoot webs, she doesn’t throw magnets, and she doesn’t trick aliens into launching their tongues. No, Samus is a little more civilized, instead she uses the Grapple Beam. Truly a symbolic innovation showing the future of gravity defiance, Samus shoots a beam of energy, usually a glowing blue, linking her to compatible surfaces. It’s like she’s got a miniature tractor beam. Who doesn’t like the future, and Samus’ technological approach to swinging wins her third place.

2. Nathan ‘Rad’ Spencer – Bionic Commando, A bunch of remakes.

He was in the introduction; he had to make an appearance here. Nathan ‘Rad’ Spencer could be on any list with a nickname like ‘Rad’, but it’s his experience with swinging that gets him respect here. As the original swingin’ fool, Spencer changed the way we platformed, instead of looking at the gaps below, we had to invert our thinking and look at what to swing on. It was a crazy approach that worked so well Capcom just kept churning out remakes, never bothering to get around to an actual sequel.

Lucky for us, Capcom hasn’t forgotten about their numero uno swinger, as he’s a playable character in Marvel vs. Capcom 3. But with such a seminal grappling hook bionic so close to the top, who could possibly out-swing the original?

1. Rico Rodriguez ‘The Scorpion/Scorpio’ (Depending who you ask.) – Just Cause 2

Rico, where did you come from? Your saucy Latin charms and penchant for destruction were impressive enough, but you just had to bring a grappling hook with you. Rico, a man with two oddly similar nicknames that change from character to character – almost as if the writers couldn’t decide which nickname they liked better – is a swinging machine. While on Just Cause 2’s massive set of islands, you could drive a car, sure, or you could fly a helicopter or even a passenger jet, but what you will do it drag yourself over and above mountains using an absolutely insane combination of grappling hooks and parachutes to glide gracefully over the lush jungles and military bases dotting the game world. I had my doubts, I questioned the innate lunacy of this entire game, but when it all comes down to it, Rico figured out how to invert swinging… Rico doesn’t swing on the ceiling, no – Rico swings on the ground.

If that makes no sense, download the demo to Just Cause 2. Open your parachute and use that grappling gun. You’ll thank me later.

Enjoy Chuck Norris on the go with this  shortened version of “Forced Vengeance”.