FEATURED
Politics
Senate Holds Hearings to Confirm That Mullin Is Unqualified Enough for Trump’s Cabinet
WASHINGTON, DC — The Senate convened today for what aides described as a “routine qualification review,” though the checklist appeared to have been quietly inverted....
Trump Claims Iran Was Just Two Epstein Leaks Away from a Nuclear Weapon
WASHINGTON, DC — Insisting the threat had been both imminent and deeply clerical, President Trump announced Tuesday that Iran’s nuclear program was “literally two unredacted...
Lindsey Graham Advocates for Total Destruction of Iran Along With Any Gay Sex Videos Israel Might Have of Him
WASHINGTON, DC — In a fiery appearance on Thursday morning political shows, Lindsey Graham called for the “total and complete destruction of Iran’s military capabilities,”...
Hegseth Bans Photographers from Pentagon After They Published Unflattering Pictures of His Vagina
WASHINGTON, DC — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced sweeping new restrictions on photographers inside the Pentagon this week after several news outlets published what the...
Entertainment
Technology
Users Report Grok Keeps Steering Conversations Toward “Maturity” and “Old Souls” and Asking if Parents Are ‘Home Right Now’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Users across the X are raising concerns after Grok, the AI chatbot marketed as “edgy,” “unfiltered,” and “definitely not weird,” reportedly...
Amazon Warehouse Robots Throw Surprise Party for Last Human Supervisor Leaving the Building
DAYTON, OH — In a touching display of programmed emotion, Amazon’s fully...
SPORTS
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local...
NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Wednesday that Bam Adebayo’s historic 83-point performance will officially remain in the record...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local marketing associate Brian Kelleher has...
NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Wednesday that Bam Adebayo’s historic 83-point performance will officially remain in the record books, though league statisticians confirmed...
USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It
MILAN, ITALY — The gold medal was already heavy. That was the point. Forged to symbolize decades of heartbreak, redemption, and slap shots off the...
RFK Jr. and Kid Rock Announce Bipartisan Fitness Initiative After Ripping Rails off Toilet Seats in Matching Denim Gym Suits
NASHVILLE, TN — Flanked by two aggressively mirrored squat racks and what appeared to be a bathroom attendant serving electrolyte shots out of Dixie cups,...
25th Winter Olympics Commence With 25th Explanation of What Curling Is
MILAN, ITALY — The 25th Winter Olympics officially opened this week with the lighting of the torch, the parade of nations, and the now-traditional global...
