It's been forever since I've posted anything. I've been on Tumblr. Which, I still can't believe I'm using. But this got kinda long and I thought it'd fit here better.

Full disclosure, I haven't read the books, I couldn't stand the -frankly horrible- prose. I've read bits and pieces, and recaps, so I know what happens in them. And about the many, many ways they are problematic and actually dangerous. And I've seen one of the previous films, the one where Edward leaves. My brother[!] of all people dragged me to see it.

But about this film. The title sequence is gorgeous, and as the credits roll, I'm again left wondering why on earth an actor of Dakota Fanning's calibre would waste her time in a tripe like this.

Finally Bella seems like a real person, like there is life in her and she is not just all about Edward. But she is still way too perfect. The hunting scene where she goes after the mountain climber, and then stops before killing him, and Edward says that kind of control is difficult for even experienced vampires, in the context of the personality she has exhibited so far in the Twilight series, makes no sense. She has never had any willpower.

I like how it is acknowledged, that Jacob imprinting on Renesmee is creepy, and I really liked Bella's line: 'You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster?!'

The fully furnished house they give Edward and Bella for her birthday? Yeah, the going over the top is kind of a Cullen clan MO, but it's still creepy.

On one hand, that sex scene is visually appealing, because it's not too gratuitous*, but it kinda goes over the mark and lands in ridiculous with the overuse of softly backlit slo-mo. But I'd guess that kind of a hazy and lyrical sex scene would appeal to the sensitivities of the film's main target audience - teen aged girls.

Despite the creepyness of the whole imprinting business, Jacob seems to be the only one of the main cast who has any human compassion. It becomes evident when he goes to Charlie to tell him that Bella is alive after all. The whole Twilight series is about idolization of these vampires [who btw, are an allegory of mormons**], how they are so beautiful and never age and live forever, and especially the Cullens who are these so called vegetarian*** vampires, ie. they don't feed on people, and Bella is so enamoured with her new vampire family that she doesn't seem to care one bit about her actual family anymore.

Oh, so Bella is also the 'strongest one in the house' too *eyeroll*. The way she demonstrates it is completely ridiculous. But then again, so have been all the other displays of vampire athleticism. And then we have a sparkling in the sunlight.

So, we are at a half-hour mark, and nothing has happened yet.

Finally, some real vampires. The Volturi. Renesmee shouldn't exist, because vampires can't have children, and turning a child is a horrible crime. Makes sense, just think how Claudia in Interview With a Vampire turned out. A) This is just another way of Bella being so special the rules of the Twilight universe bend for her, and B) Yay, looks like there is a conflict coming.

This Cullens gathering to just stand a marvel at Renesmee is creepy.

And so it begins, the gathering of the forces. These 'introducing Renesmee to the vampires' scenes are so corny. With all the touching of the face and 'oh what a miraculous child', makes you want to bash your face against a wall. This whole 'vampires coming to Forks' -segment is like an overly long montage. With the Bella voice-over explaining what's happening it's like a textbook example of tell, don't show.

Just a side note, those lady vampires from South America are gorgeous. Lee Pace, on the other hand, while doing not a bad job at being a vampire, really really should get his eyebrows trimmed. It's like he has a pair moustaches over his eyes. Ew :/

I don't understand how Robert Pattinson can be so consistently bad in these films. He can't have been popping Valium or smoking weed all the time, can he? Because I've seen him in other roles and he can act.

Aro, I think, was miscasted. He just isn't charismatic enough to be the big bad king vampire or whatever he is called. And Christopher Heyerdahl is very much underused. Having seen him in Stargate Atlantis as a wraith, who are basically a life-force sucking space-vampires, I know he could be awesome in this if he were given something to do, other than just being a part of Aro's entourage.

Comparing the stilted interaction between Bella and Edward in the night scene to how Bella and Jacob are in the scene that follows right after, Bella and Jacob are much more natural with each other, and Bella seems like a person and not a pod-person.

And the message Alice left? It was written on a title page torn from a book. Anyone with any sense would go find that book. Ugh.

This film is paced just like the books. Scenes where nothing happens take pages and pages, and scenes where a lot of things happen, are short and fall flat. [I don't consider chase scenes to belong to the something happens -category. They rarely, if ever, move the plot forward.]

So Charlie isn't freaked out about Renesmee having grown to something like a, I don't know, four-year, old in less than a year? [Bella and Edward got married after Bella graduated in the spring, Bella's pregnancy was unnaturally short and now it's Yule.] Or even in a year and a half, if we add one more year into the equation.

So Bella's eyes are yellow and Charlie doesn't notice? The werewolf lady he is shacking up with must know what Bella is, though.

What's the point of this English guy? He arrives, is antisocial and leaves before the battle because he decides the Cullens are not 'righteous' after all, because he saw Bella pack money and letters for Renesmee?

And why did Alice bother with the secrecy, when Bella is going to have to tell Edward and Jacob anyway about the plan to send Renesmee away with Jacob?

This war stories segment is so stupid /o\

So they are taking Renesmee to the battlefield, in hopes of convincing the Volturi? How are they going to get her out of there if everything goes south? Ugh. And we have some couples bonding before the battle. Eugh, so sugary. But damn the Volturi army looks badass.

Wow, that was lame. Like, probably the coolest part about the whole damn film series was just in Alice's vision. And now we have more couples being cute. Bleurgh. Seriously.

The imprinting never gets not creepy, ugh. Like, Jacob was in love with Bella and he and Bella still have some kind of weird co-dependent relationship. I never ship threesomes, but here it would have been so much better way to fix the rivalry between Edward and Jacob.

And the ending, with the last page of the book opening and the word 'forever' and, just, blaargh. And I hate that this film series calls itself the Twilight saga. FFS it it not a saga. It's just a series of shitty films adapted way too religiously from a series of even shittier books.

But Ashley Green is so cute <3

* I prefer sex scenes to be the 'fade to black' -kind and left to the imagination of the audience, because they tend to be embarrassingly not-so-hot.

** I'm not going to go into details on this, people more qualified than me have written/blogged/vlogged about this. For example Laci Green on Youtube [ here ]

*** I'm offended by this. Vampires abstaining from drinking human blood that they crave is in no way comparable to people who choose to not eat meat. Before my myriad food allergies got out of control and I had to take fish and poultry back into my diet, I was a vegetarian for years, and never once I had a craving for meat. If I'd had I wouldn't have been a vegetarian. It'd have been like deliberately putting myself in a position of an addict, and who in their right mind would do that?