python

Yesterday was far more peopling than usual: a day of meetings and then went to see my niece play the protagonist in Mean Girls: the High School version -- that goes on forever. (I think it's the full theater version but with softened innuendo.) It might be less painful if someone knew how to set the gain on the mics. My niece and the antagonist both have powerful voices. I wish i liked musicals but recent exposure because of my niece has not improved my opinion of the format.

I continue thinking about my relationship to "doing", and refocused on time not intentionally spent. I've realized by "intention" i have excluded things i will do anyway, which historically included journaling  (although for a number of years that has not been as true as perhaps i need). And meals, and relaxing with Christine. Time dealing with physical irritations and discomfort. Digital irritations: application forced upgrades and restarts.  There are many other things in that category, but i think i generally accept that they exist. The solution isn't adding more overhead -- more decisions about priorities and mucking about with lists -- but allowing for the time in intentions and valuing it.

I'm recognizing there are (at least) two other types of time not intentionally spent: avoiding and escaping. I think once upon a time i was "better" with my avoiding time. When work was so hard for me i believe i spent more time journaling and understanding my feelings, framing my frustrations, and clarifying why i was upset -- and then i could move forward. There were also more of the classic "procrastination" behaviors of doing X instead of Y, which i seem to have subverted in some ways. Now neither of Y or X get done.

I think some of the weight -- disappointment? dissatisfaction? --  i am carrying lately is more about how much time i spend in avoiding and escaping. I may be in a viscous circle where having become more aware of intentional vs avoiding vs escaping time i cannot become unaware. As the avoiding feels increasingly out of my control, my frustration escalates, feeding into the emotional demand to escape. In the past, it seemed i could just escape into one novel, and then feel "reset" and get back to business as normal, but that sense of reset seems far less accessible now. All 11 novels in a series later, still not "reset," rereading a trilogy still not "reset."

Ah yes, another type of time not intentionally spent is distraction, which is possibly a variation on avoiding and escaping, but i think its another class altogether.

I have a general frustration of "I want to have done X but i am not doing it." And just writing that down has illustrated something for me. I am not sure i have desires about actually doing, but i have desires i want done. That's.... interesting.

Monday's therapy raised something for me, which is the frame i have for doing things. At a very large scale i think i have values driving things. But when i get closer in, i have more "i'm not doing this because how-Mom-framed-her-activities or how-Dad-framed-her-activities or how-the-dominant-culture-frames-doing" than my own reasons or frames.

Phrasing that i want "to have done" something does help a little, because i think it helps me see that i am not engaging with the doing, really, and the doing is the next step. So if i want to have grafted the scions i bought to the crepe myrtle and fig before they scions die, i need to start thinking about wanting to be outside (yay) with a sharp thing (erm) maybe on a ladder (erm x2) figuring out how to try something i can only try once a year and that the success feedback comes very slowly, sigh, and that i may not succeed because i am still learning. Hmm, maybe i could just graft the current fig onto the current fig to have more practice. And i don't need to get all concerned with "is this really the best place" for the purchased scions, just graft them SOMEWHERE and see if it takes. If they take and i want to move them, that's OK.

Another change in my being is that i am a little more aware of the specific feelings/emotions that i am escaping from (generally to novels). Over my vacation, there was shame/frustration/anger of misplacing tomato seeds. I was aware of wanting to avoid those feelings and thinking about it. Yesterday, Christine was upset about something and also i wasn't ready to really face the outcome of Monday's therapy. So i read.

I am frustrated with the reading because i have a hard time stopping and there are all the things i want to have done that won't happen while i am reading. But i am also frustrated with my constant (it seems) inability to have done things. And that's .. ah, there, that is still a heavy emotion that will be hard to address except in little bits.

Monday i was very very tired after therapy, and i still feel tired today. I am in the muddle of why: am i sick (coughing more - -because pollen? or cold? or?), in a fatigue flare? Or emotionally tired and maybe i would feel better if i actually did something, anything?

I had a virtual visit with a health care provider and have an OK on doubling up on antihistamines. We'll see if that hits this lethargy.

Meanwhile, insane weather. The saucer magnolia is a cloud of pink. Maybe the rain tomorrow will somehow protect it from the frost/freeze on Friday morning.